Scratching an Ear With a Foot

Listen, I don't care if you've been doing yoga since you were a fetus, because even if you are physically capable of scratching your ears with your foot, you would never do it in public. Talk about inappropriate. Hey everyone, my ear itches, so I was thinking you could all check out my crotch while I sit on the floor and scratch it in a very compromising position. On top of that (which is a place I wouldn't recommend literally getting on top of, just figuratively) it's impractical. Why not just use your hand? It's so much easier, and doesn't put your hamstrings at risk.
But none of this is true when it comes to dogs and cats, because as far as they're concerned, there couldn't be an easier and more polite way to get rid of that ear itch.
(flickr photo Those darn ears by Jimmy 74(away); http://www.flickr.com/photos/jimmy74/2576145832/)

My Pet Credentials

I'm going to break from listing the things that pets do for just one post to address a question.
On yesterday's post, Patty asked,"What kind of pets do you have?"
Since I write a blog entitled, "The Things Pets Do" it's only fair that my readers know what my pet resume looks like. Thus instead of posting a brief comment in reply, I've made a full post out of it.
I have my interview tie and suit on, and I'm freshly shaven (and by that I mean I'm sitting in sweat pants with day-old stubble). Here goes.
Current Pets:
I live with my girlfriend while she attends vet school and I work a fairly standard office job. We share our living space with an adopted pit bull mix (which is shelter talk for, "He's really a pit bull, but we have to add 'mix' to his title so people will adopt him, because even though he's a big snuggling goof, there's an a certain stigma that will always go with the title 'pit bull'") named Barney.


We also share the space with two adopted cats: a short haired ginger cat (Frank) and a long-haired tuxedo cat (Oz).




And in a separate room, into which the cats may never venture, there are two pet rats (Maria and Serafina) and a patternless leopard gecko (Kaylee).











Past Pets: I grew up in a pet-obsessed family, so my first 18 years of life were also filled with pets. We always had a dog (a collie that raised me, and when he passed due to debilitating hip arthritis, an Australian shepherd/black lab mix and a Jack Russell Terrier). I have three sisters, each of whom had pets growing up: an aquarium with tropical fish, two pet mice, a box turtle, and two toads. Not one to slack in the pet department either, I had a bearded dragon, a corn snake, a skink, and two hognose snakes.
Finally, I worked in a pet shop throughout high school.
Really, the only time I have been sans pets were the first two years of college.
Do I have the job?

Eating Flowers

With Valentine's Day right around the bend, it's important to keep in mind that cats and dogs love to eat flowers. No one knows why, since flowers taste like crap, and they're much better when experienced through other senses, such as looking, smelling, and touching. Hell, even listening to flowers is better, although not likely to yield a whole lot.
When tomorrow roles around, your significant other, best friend, or 5-year-long stalker will give you a dozen roses. And you'll accept them graciously with maybe "I love you, too," or "thank you, you're so kind," or "you're supposed to be 100 yards from me at all times." Then you'll put these severed plant limbs in a vase filled with water so that they die a slow and prolonged death during which you'll enjoy the decoration. But you know what you wont do? You wont bite into the them, and start chomping down like a hungry hyena while your Valentine watches in horror.
(flickr photo Munch! by starmist1; http://www.flickr.com/photos/starmist1/190436152/)

Jumping on New People

Dogs will grab at any excuse they can find to jump, and a new person is one of the most commonly used excuses. This jumping is nothing like that in the last post; they're not doing it to get around, they're doing it because they're dogs and they do whatever the want, gosh. If you invite a new friend over for a Halo competition/wine tasting extravaganza, as you so often do, your dog will be up on them like an escaping prisoner on a fence: quick and desperate. And if they aren't, they want to be.
Because I value the accuracy of this scientifically rigorous blog, I jumped on a new person just the other day, and I can assure you from my new home in a holding cell, it is definitely something that humans can't do. At least that's what my lawyer tells me.
(flickr photo Jumping Dog outside Tate Modern by dps; http://www.flickr.com/photos/dps/357218625/)

Hopping Everywhere

When you think bunnies, what comes to mind? No, not young women with breast implants, a desire to see themselves air-brushed, and low self-esteem, you perv. You think hopping and jumping. And you know why? Because that's all bunnies do. Any time a rabbit moves, they hop, and anytime their not moving, they're not doing a whole lot but wiggling their nose and looking downright adorable.
But however normal it is for your bunny, little Donnie Darko, to bounce around, you couldn't do it without looking like a schizophrenic or someone with a very strange exercise routine.
(flickr photo Jumping Jack Caramel by TheTim; http://www.flickr.com/photos/thetim/2471774514/)

Cleaning Mid-Fight

Cats do a lot of weird things. And I mean a lot. So the fact that this one is up there in the top five weirdest, really means something. If you have two cats (or more) that like wrestling with each other, you know they can get pretty intense, and throw down hardcore. Not too weird; they are relatives of some high-class predators, after all. But what is weird is that in the middle of their all-out brawls, they'll simultaneously and instantaneously stop for a cleaning break.
Think about it, you're knocking some punk around for giving you a regular coffee when you clearly asked for half-caff, or whatever it is that gets you into fights with Starbucks employees, when he yells, "Hold up, can we clean our nails for a minute? I really need a manicure. I promise we'll box this this out in five, but the dirt under my thumb is really bugging me." And you're all like, "Sure thing. That's a great idea. You know what? Why don't I clean it for you? Here, give me your hand, I'll get that dirt out." And he's all like, "Thanks, that's so kind of you," and then 20 seconds later, after the dirt's gone, Bam! you smack him in the head as hard as you can, knock him to the ground, and start bunny kicking him.
Cats, you really are weird.
(flickr photo Taking Catre of Each Other by Martin Staviar; http://www.flickr.com/photos/12073313@N04/2768305793/)

Ear Lifting

Dogs are the main culprit here, although cats and a few other small animals shift their ears around on occasion. But whenever dogs hears something super sweet or super lame, they lift their ears up as if to say, "look what I can do with my ears, humans. Can you do this? No, you can't. Aaawww, that's too fucking bad. Oh wait, you can wiggle your ears a little. Neat party trick, but you can't completely change their angle so as to gain significantly better hearing, can you? No, I didn't think so. Also, how good is your hearing anyway? What's that? I couldn't hear you. Just kidding, I could totally hear you whispering, 'my hearing is really shitty compared to yours, dog, because you have such great hearing, dog. You're the best.' Listen (if you can, with your crappy immobile ears), if you rub my belly and take me to the park, I wont tell anyone about your shitty hearing, okay?"
At least that's what the ear raise says to me, but I may read into my pet's actions too much...nah, I don't. Not at all.
(flickr photo Bat Eared Dog shock by :mrMark:; http://www.flickr.com/photos/what_i_see/147122825/)

Shoving Their Face in a Bowl of Food

When dogs and cats (and a good number of small animals) eat, instead of pulling out the old silverware their grandma gave them and a couple snazzy blue napkins, they just shove their face into a bowl filled with all the same shit, and chomp it down like they're three-time pie eating champions in the Kansas State Fair. I mean, seriously guys, couldn't you use your paws like a civilized creature? It doesn't take that much effort, and it really makes a big difference in how people view you. Do you honestly think I'm ever going to take you to a fancy restaurant with those eating habits? Put you're tuxedo back in the closet, because the answer is no. And you look silly in a tuxedo anyway. It makes your tail look fat.
Next Thanksgiving I'm going to try eating like this as an experiment. My hypothesis is that it takes less than 30 seconds for my Uncle to crack me in the ribcage for being a douche.
(flickr photo Mao is eating by stickwithjosh; http://www.flickr.com/photos/stickwithjosh/2549333638/)

Waiting to Steal Food

Remember that time I was at your house, and you were eating a delicious dinner after a hard day of work, and I really wanted some, so I sat down right next to your legs, with my head as close to the table as possible and waited for you to look away so I could snag some with my long tongue? No, you don't. That's funny. Oh, well maybe that's because I'm not a dog, and I don't do rude shit like that just because I feel like it. It's not okay to take food from someone when they reach for the remote. That's awful etiquette and you're never going to make any friends that way, dogs. This is even worse than when they beg for food, because at least then they let you make the decision in regards to sharing your meal, instead of snatching it off your plate faster than an addict reaching for a spoon and a lighter. Rude, just downright rude.
(flickr photo steve eats by dickuhne; http://www.flickr.com/photos/dickuhne/233642966/)

Wheel Running

Okay, guess who I'm impersonating. "Oh hi, I make high-pitched noises and love running for hours and hours but going nowhere." If you guessed your anorexic neighbor with the home treadmill, you're wrong, but close, because why wouldn't hamsters have a bad body image: they're chubby fuzzballs. But on some real talk, hamsters (and gerbils, mice, and rats) are all about running in wheels.
Now we humans could run in a wheel, but we don't, because there's nowhere to put the mileage and calorie calculators, and if you can't figure out how many Snicker's bars you burned off, why would you ever do anything athletic? Not to mention that although treadmills, stationary bikes, and ellipticals look ridiculous, gigantic wheels would look even worse. Plus, you'd have to attach them to the wall, and then how would people stare at themselves in all the wall-length mirrors? Nope, our pet rodents definitely have this one all to themselves.
(flickr photo Abe running in his wheel by Stoichiometry; http://www.flickr.com/photos/stoichiometry/2266389862/)

Face Rubbing

Hey cats, stop rubbing your faces on everything in the fucking universe, okay? Seriously, it's like they get paid for each new item they scrape their cheeks across. And if your face is so goddamn itchy, cats, maybe you should leave the coffee table alone and get your ass to a vet, because there's clearly something wrong with your face.
Rubbing their face against household objects is no big deal for cats, but no matter how much my right nostril is killing me, I could never get away with sliding it across my friend's blu-ray collection. Maybe his DVDs. Maybe.
(flickr photo Even my cat loves them. by Drab Makyo; http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2325571554/)

Insect Eating

Dogs and cats will occasionally swipe a fly out of the air, but if you have any pet lizards or frogs, you know they eat insects all the goddamn time. They eat insects for every meal. That's just nasty. What's wrong with them? Don't they know bugs are gross? Wouldn't they rather have a nice fillet mignon with a baked potato and caesar salad? Maybe a little wine? Some cabernet, perhaps? Apparently not. Seems they'd prefer to gulp down live larva and some cold water out of a rock.
You could never show up at a party chomping on a grasshopper. Unless they're covered in chocolate or something else that drowns out the taste of grasshopper. And even then it's still weird. Get some chocolate-covered raisins, you freak.
(flickr photo froglet eating a worm by her wings; http://www.flickr.com/photos/herwings/2123121403/)