Thursday, April 30, 2009

Pushing Watermelons

I know what you're thinking: since when do cat's push watermelons? Since this picture, that's when. I was asked by Barb to "explain" the picture of a cat pushing a watermelon out of a lake, and I must say, it took me a while to figure out. Why wouldn't it? It's fucking confusing.
But here it is.
The lolcat caption is incorrect. This cat is in no way related to Sisyphus, nor was he the pet of Sisyphus. Sisyphus was more of a dog person.
This is a much sadder story. It's a clear case of animal abuse. Humans all around the country abuse their cats by making them carry large fruit up slippery surfaces. When animal control finally finds these poor felines, they're exhausted and covered with sticky fruit juice. And the humans just get a slap on the wrist (if that) while the poor abused cats will probably be put down before they can find a home that wont make them push watermelons out of lakes.
The whole watermelon thing wasn't serious, but the animal abuse and shelter overcrowding stuff was, so I'm going to be a good citizen and use this opportunity to tell you to support your local shelter in anyway possible (adoptions, fostering, donations, spreading the word). I'm in Philly, and so in case you are too, here's a link to our local shelter. Wherever you are, if you're thinking of adding a new pet to your household, please consider adoption. With each adopted cat, there's one less cat forced to push watermelons.
(flickr photo funny-pictures-sisyphus-cat-watermelon-water by reizzel;

Monday, April 27, 2009

Fur Shedding

Well, it's that time of year again. No, I don't mean the time of year when everyone smells like fermenting sweat, although it is. And no, I don't mean the time of year when girls start dressing like hookers and guys like 13-year-old skaters. But both those things are symptoms of the same cause: heat.
Yep, now you've got it. It's the time of year for shedding. Serious shedding. "I can't wear any of my clothes to work because it looks like there are ferrets living in the pockets" type of shedding. Let's not even get into the furniture.
And guess who's to blame. If you guessed the pets, you're one hundred percent right. Humans don't shed. No, your male pattern baldness doesn't count as shedding, but nice to try. People will say anything to avoid admitting they're balding.
(flickr photo Cat Hair Landscape by semarr;

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Giving Birth to a Litter

That crazy ass Angelina-Jolie-looking octomom aside, humans don't give birth to litters. Sure, occasionally a pair of twins pop out, but really, that's about it.
But dogs, cats, and tons of small animals think it's totally fine to have as many kids as they want. Well, you can't, goddamnit! Haven't you been reading any of the magazines in the check out lines? What, you don't go to supermarkets? What a lame excuse. Well let me sum it up for you: we all know you're just trying to get famous. You don't even care about those kids. It's all about you, isn't it? Next time, trying having one kid like everyone else, all right?
(flickr photo More Puppy Pile by AirBeagle;

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Another Link - No HR 669

I know, I know, I'm terrible. Another link. What an asshole. Last one, then back to normal.
So there's a bill before congress (voted on tomorrow) to essentially ban all non-US-native pets. This includes almost all fish, most reptiles and amphibians, most birds, hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, and ferrets. The ban could screw a lot of pet owners and a lot of pet shops (not to mention this blog which would have a significantly reduced pet population to choose from). So you know, if you feel strongly enough, go here and send an email or letter or make a call. It took me less than two minutes to send an email.
Thanks for putting up with my linking and my lack of Things Pets Do. Back to normal soon.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Flying Animals and Rehomed Dogs

Today's post is doubly terrible. Not only have I not posted in a while, but this is a post of links and not things that pets do. I know, I suck. Feel free to egg my house later.
First, you can now fly your pets without having to stash them in the underbelly of a plane, which is nice, since although my dogs and cats are often mistaken for suitcases (except they're not), I'd like to not keep them in the same place people put their clothing and curling irons. Just a thought. Also, while you're at the site, be sure to check the video posted in their blog on April 20th, because the male newscaster is the epitome of douche bag. This guy has it down to a science. He might want to see if Harvard will give him an honorary degree in douche baggery.
Second, tonight ESPN will have a special on what happened to Michael Vick's rehabilitated and rehoused dogs. As someone who has a loving pit bull rescued from a less than ideal situation, I feel it's my duty to promote a TV special on loving pit bulls rescued from less than ideal situations. It's also my duty to give the obligatory fuck you Michael Vick for being an astoundingly horrible human being comment. He's way worse than that dumbass newscaster. Infinitely worse.
I promise I'll be back soon with more Things Pets Do.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Eating Kibble

You knew you'd get called out on it eventually, dogs and cats. Yeah, yeah, I know you'd rather eat a steak or some tuna, and yes, I know we're the ones who give you this crap, but you still eat it. Round little dried-out pellets. You might as well just take your food intravenously.
I'm so glad we humans never eat processed, dried food. Now, I'm off to heat up a frozen dinner, have a little juice from concentrate, and finish it all with hot chocolate mix in hot water. I'm so glad we humans eat real meals like we're supposed to; none of this goddamn kibble crap.
(flickr photo half in the bag by klynslis;

Monday, April 13, 2009

Sleeping Adorably

You know, animals, you do a lot of things while sleeping that we humans could never pull off, but by far one of the most infuriating is being so goddamn adorable. Seriously, when you pass out, I feel like I'm going to have a cute-induced heart attack. It's a real condition (not), and you're to blame (if it were, you would be).
And no matter how hard we try, 99% of the time that we humans sleep we don't look cute, we look like this. Or this. Or this. And even occasionally, like this. You win again, animals. You win again, damn you.
(flickr photo monday afternoon by chrisada;

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Spreading Eagle

Listen up, dogs and cats. Just because you're not a human doesn't mean it's okay roll around in compromising and exposing positions. You and I both know that you're just flaunting the fact that you can get away with such scandalous shows, while we humans must carefully monitor how we are seated at all times to be sure that we aren't spreading out legs wide for the whole world to see what lies below.
Even if we could sit so strangely, we wouldn't, because we have respect for ourselves, unlike you.
(flickr photo this is a new behavior by Rob!;

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Playing with String

Oh gosh golly gee, cats, some string! You don't say! Well that's just so swell and fun and exciting! I could play with it for hours...NOT! How boring can you be? String? Really? Try video games, sports, and and rock paper scissors. Now that's how you play, cats. Especially rock paper scissors; what an ingenious game.
The other problem with string play is that there's so much string out there. I don't want to be at a bar, enjoying a few beers with Nordic/Germanic names I can't pronounce, when I notice someone with long shoelaces and fall to the floor to bat them around for a half hour. That's annoying and slightly frightening for everyone involved.
(flickr photo having a ball (of string) by toby-won-kenobi;