Giving Birth to a Litter

That crazy ass Angelina-Jolie-looking octomom aside, humans don't give birth to litters. Sure, occasionally a pair of twins pop out, but really, that's about it.
But dogs, cats, and tons of small animals think it's totally fine to have as many kids as they want. Well, you can't, goddamnit! Haven't you been reading any of the magazines in the check out lines? What, you don't go to supermarkets? What a lame excuse. Well let me sum it up for you: we all know you're just trying to get famous. You don't even care about those kids. It's all about you, isn't it? Next time, trying having one kid like everyone else, all right?
(flickr photo More Puppy Pile by AirBeagle; http://www.flickr.com/photos/airbeagle/446918732/)

Another Link - No HR 669

I know, I know, I'm terrible. Another link. What an asshole. Last one, then back to normal.
So there's a bill before congress (voted on tomorrow) to essentially ban all non-US-native pets. This includes almost all fish, most reptiles and amphibians, most birds, hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, and ferrets. The ban could screw a lot of pet owners and a lot of pet shops (not to mention this blog which would have a significantly reduced pet population to choose from). So you know, if you feel strongly enough, go here and send an email or letter or make a call. It took me less than two minutes to send an email.
Thanks for putting up with my linking and my lack of Things Pets Do. Back to normal soon.

Flying Animals and Rehomed Dogs

Today's post is doubly terrible. Not only have I not posted in a while, but this is a post of links and not things that pets do. I know, I suck. Feel free to egg my house later.
First, you can now fly your pets without having to stash them in the underbelly of a plane, which is nice, since although my dogs and cats are often mistaken for suitcases (except they're not), I'd like to not keep them in the same place people put their clothing and curling irons. Just a thought. Also, while you're at the site, be sure to check the video posted in their blog on April 20th, because the male newscaster is the epitome of douche bag. This guy has it down to a science. He might want to see if Harvard will give him an honorary degree in douche baggery.
Second, tonight ESPN will have a special on what happened to Michael Vick's rehabilitated and rehoused dogs. As someone who has a loving pit bull rescued from a less than ideal situation, I feel it's my duty to promote a TV special on loving pit bulls rescued from less than ideal situations. It's also my duty to give the obligatory fuck you Michael Vick for being an astoundingly horrible human being comment. He's way worse than that dumbass newscaster. Infinitely worse.
I promise I'll be back soon with more Things Pets Do.

Sleeping Adorably

You know, animals, you do a lot of things while sleeping that we humans could never pull off, but by far one of the most infuriating is being so goddamn adorable. Seriously, when you pass out, I feel like I'm going to have a cute-induced heart attack. It's a real condition (not), and you're to blame (if it were, you would be).
And no matter how hard we try, 99% of the time that we humans sleep we don't look cute, we look like this. Or this. Or this. And even occasionally, like this. You win again, animals. You win again, damn you.
(flickr photo monday afternoon by chrisada; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisada/2415541623/)

Chattering

Rodents chatter constantly, gnawing their little teeth together like their life depends on it. Okay, fine, so their life does depend on it. Right, right, I know that if they don't gnaw their teeth down, their teeth will grow up into their head and kill them. Constantly growing teeth must be a bitch, but that aside, it's still some really weird shit that none of us would ever do.
Well, that's a lie. I did it once to annoy someone at a party. It worked, and now I can't chatter my teeth anymore because I lost them in the fight. Never chatter around the guy who's been drinking Jim Beam all night.
(flickr photo John's Hamster, Crispy by wsilver; http://www.flickr.com/photos/psycho-pics/3079172298/)

Eating Little Bits

Hamsters, gerbils, rats, and mice love grabbing teeny tiny pieces of food, cradling them in their adorable little paws, and nibbling away ever so gently. They love it so much that they refuse to eat any other way, making the rest of us look horribly uncute (definitely a real word) by comparison. How can you compete with that? How could anyone or anything possibly be that goddamn heartwarmingly adorable?
We can't just buy bagels that are three feet in diameter and delicately nibble on them, because we'd either look like idiots or rats, and if there's one lesson we can take from Martin Scorsese films it's that the mafia doesn't like rats. I don't want to have look over my shoulder for the cast of The Departed or Goodfellas every time I get breakfast, and so, this is once again something that only pets can do.
(flickr photo Give me more! by jpockele; http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpockele/339678564/)

Wheel Running

Okay, guess who I'm impersonating. "Oh hi, I make high-pitched noises and love running for hours and hours but going nowhere." If you guessed your anorexic neighbor with the home treadmill, you're wrong, but close, because why wouldn't hamsters have a bad body image: they're chubby fuzzballs. But on some real talk, hamsters (and gerbils, mice, and rats) are all about running in wheels.
Now we humans could run in a wheel, but we don't, because there's nowhere to put the mileage and calorie calculators, and if you can't figure out how many Snicker's bars you burned off, why would you ever do anything athletic? Not to mention that although treadmills, stationary bikes, and ellipticals look ridiculous, gigantic wheels would look even worse. Plus, you'd have to attach them to the wall, and then how would people stare at themselves in all the wall-length mirrors? Nope, our pet rodents definitely have this one all to themselves.
(flickr photo Abe running in his wheel by Stoichiometry; http://www.flickr.com/photos/stoichiometry/2266389862/)