Monday, May 25, 2009

Leg Humping

Not only is it summer, but it's also Memorial Day, and that means tons of picnics and BBQs and other large gatherings to which dogs are invited. And guess what happens when dogs are invited to events? They hump legs, that's what happens. No fucking manners at all. Like seriously, were you raised in a barn (or a strip club)? I know they're animals, but they could at least stay away from your cousin's husband's sister's calves.
And of all things to hump, why legs, you ask? Well, little known to most, dogs were originally bred as a lower leg cover, because long ago no one could make pants that went beyond the knee. Tailors just weren't that skilled. "Dog" is of the Greek root "dogus" which means "thing that keeps my scandalously exposed legs hidden from the perverted, gawking public." And so, as much I love to judge and scold animals for their inappropriate behaviors, this summer while out at parks and picnics, if your Achilles tendon is suddenly violated by a canine, please cut them some slack; they can't help it.
(flickr photo Down boy! by kennymatic;

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I'm a Guest Blogger

I'm a guest blogger, and guess what, I even mentioned dogs in my guest post. Check it out, and check out the rest of My Telephone Booth while you're there.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Meowing at Birds

I'm pretty sure that I don't need to explain to you why we don't meow at birds through a window. It should be obvious how goddamn stupid that is to anyone who isn't a fucking cat, so instead of wasting my time with that, I'll present you with a short play entitled "Cat Talks to Bird Through Window."
The sun is just rising, and with it, so are the birds. But the humans sleep peacefully because they don't give a shit about birds and sun and because they have to work all fucking day, goddamnit. The cat, who never ever works (ever), leaps to the window and starts meowing at full volume, waking the sleeping humans.
Cat: I'm going to eat you, bird.
Bird: No, you aren't. There's a window between us. I win, you lose.
Cat: Someday there wont be a window, and that's the day I'll fuck you up, you annoying little bird.
Bird: Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, I still win now. Birds rule!
Cats: Aaaaahhhhhhh I hate birds! Hate them, hate them, hate them, hate them!
Humans add a shot of esspresso to their coffee that morning, while staring menacingly at the cat. End Scene.
(flickr photo My cat shadow...... by chaffeerobyn;

Sunday, May 17, 2009

A link

Seriously, check this out. I try not to recommend too many links, so that when I do, it's more meaningful, and trust me Choppy's Dog House is one billion percent deserving of this, and is strangely under appreciated thus far. Change that, bitches, by going there and giving it a try. You know, just take it in the changing room for a minute, see how it looks on you, maybe ask a friend how it looks, and if it works for you and will get you that date you always wanted, take that shit home. So maybe that analogy's bit confusing, but you catch my drift, right?

Saturday, May 9, 2009


It's starting to get hot again, and that means that dogs are going to start panting. Now, before you go on with your busy day of 80s aerobics exercises and paying overdue bills or whatever it is you do on Saturday like it's no big deal, let me remind you of the complete injustice of dog panting.
A dog pants and everyone's all like, "Oh my, that poor pooch is so thirsty, let's get him some water and give him some love." But if you or I start panting, everyone's all like, "Quick! Call the police! There's a pervert following me around and panting." Now is that fair, dogs? Why don't you stop acting like creeps and learn to sweat like the rest of us?
(flickr photo Rowan the ridgeback by D G Brown;

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Having a Friend Pick Up Their Poop

You know what, dogs? I don't know what to say. I really don't. I could rant and rave for few paragraphs about how degrading it is to put your poop in a little bag that I'll carry around for blocks afterward, or how you never act grateful or offer to clean up my poop, or how bending down behind your butt to so I can grab a steaming pile of crap isn't my favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon, but this pisses me off so much that I just don't think I can muster the energy for that rant.
What I will say is that none of my other friends ask me to clean up after them. I only do it for you because you don't have hands. But as soon as you evolve some, this whole thing is over. I'm tired of this shit. Pun intended!
(flickr photo What's really going on here? by brandi666;

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Pushing Watermelons

I know what you're thinking: since when do cat's push watermelons? Since this picture, that's when. I was asked by Barb to "explain" the picture of a cat pushing a watermelon out of a lake, and I must say, it took me a while to figure out. Why wouldn't it? It's fucking confusing.
But here it is.
The lolcat caption is incorrect. This cat is in no way related to Sisyphus, nor was he the pet of Sisyphus. Sisyphus was more of a dog person.
This is a much sadder story. It's a clear case of animal abuse. Humans all around the country abuse their cats by making them carry large fruit up slippery surfaces. When animal control finally finds these poor felines, they're exhausted and covered with sticky fruit juice. And the humans just get a slap on the wrist (if that) while the poor abused cats will probably be put down before they can find a home that wont make them push watermelons out of lakes.
The whole watermelon thing wasn't serious, but the animal abuse and shelter overcrowding stuff was, so I'm going to be a good citizen and use this opportunity to tell you to support your local shelter in anyway possible (adoptions, fostering, donations, spreading the word). I'm in Philly, and so in case you are too, here's a link to our local shelter. Wherever you are, if you're thinking of adding a new pet to your household, please consider adoption. With each adopted cat, there's one less cat forced to push watermelons.
(flickr photo funny-pictures-sisyphus-cat-watermelon-water by reizzel;

Monday, April 27, 2009

Fur Shedding

Well, it's that time of year again. No, I don't mean the time of year when everyone smells like fermenting sweat, although it is. And no, I don't mean the time of year when girls start dressing like hookers and guys like 13-year-old skaters. But both those things are symptoms of the same cause: heat.
Yep, now you've got it. It's the time of year for shedding. Serious shedding. "I can't wear any of my clothes to work because it looks like there are ferrets living in the pockets" type of shedding. Let's not even get into the furniture.
And guess who's to blame. If you guessed the pets, you're one hundred percent right. Humans don't shed. No, your male pattern baldness doesn't count as shedding, but nice to try. People will say anything to avoid admitting they're balding.
(flickr photo Cat Hair Landscape by semarr;

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Giving Birth to a Litter

That crazy ass Angelina-Jolie-looking octomom aside, humans don't give birth to litters. Sure, occasionally a pair of twins pop out, but really, that's about it.
But dogs, cats, and tons of small animals think it's totally fine to have as many kids as they want. Well, you can't, goddamnit! Haven't you been reading any of the magazines in the check out lines? What, you don't go to supermarkets? What a lame excuse. Well let me sum it up for you: we all know you're just trying to get famous. You don't even care about those kids. It's all about you, isn't it? Next time, trying having one kid like everyone else, all right?
(flickr photo More Puppy Pile by AirBeagle;

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Another Link - No HR 669

I know, I know, I'm terrible. Another link. What an asshole. Last one, then back to normal.
So there's a bill before congress (voted on tomorrow) to essentially ban all non-US-native pets. This includes almost all fish, most reptiles and amphibians, most birds, hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, and ferrets. The ban could screw a lot of pet owners and a lot of pet shops (not to mention this blog which would have a significantly reduced pet population to choose from). So you know, if you feel strongly enough, go here and send an email or letter or make a call. It took me less than two minutes to send an email.
Thanks for putting up with my linking and my lack of Things Pets Do. Back to normal soon.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Flying Animals and Rehomed Dogs

Today's post is doubly terrible. Not only have I not posted in a while, but this is a post of links and not things that pets do. I know, I suck. Feel free to egg my house later.
First, you can now fly your pets without having to stash them in the underbelly of a plane, which is nice, since although my dogs and cats are often mistaken for suitcases (except they're not), I'd like to not keep them in the same place people put their clothing and curling irons. Just a thought. Also, while you're at the site, be sure to check the video posted in their blog on April 20th, because the male newscaster is the epitome of douche bag. This guy has it down to a science. He might want to see if Harvard will give him an honorary degree in douche baggery.
Second, tonight ESPN will have a special on what happened to Michael Vick's rehabilitated and rehoused dogs. As someone who has a loving pit bull rescued from a less than ideal situation, I feel it's my duty to promote a TV special on loving pit bulls rescued from less than ideal situations. It's also my duty to give the obligatory fuck you Michael Vick for being an astoundingly horrible human being comment. He's way worse than that dumbass newscaster. Infinitely worse.
I promise I'll be back soon with more Things Pets Do.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Eating Kibble

You knew you'd get called out on it eventually, dogs and cats. Yeah, yeah, I know you'd rather eat a steak or some tuna, and yes, I know we're the ones who give you this crap, but you still eat it. Round little dried-out pellets. You might as well just take your food intravenously.
I'm so glad we humans never eat processed, dried food. Now, I'm off to heat up a frozen dinner, have a little juice from concentrate, and finish it all with hot chocolate mix in hot water. I'm so glad we humans eat real meals like we're supposed to; none of this goddamn kibble crap.
(flickr photo half in the bag by klynslis;