Shaking Dry

So, your dog's soaked, and you're thinking, "Oh let me grab a nice little wash cloth and we shall casually dry him, inch by inch, just as I do post-bathing." Well think again, because before you can finish that carefully constructed sentence, your dog has shaken himself all over your bathroom, kitchen, and living room, and now he's rolling in your sheets. You see, when dogs dry off, they don't fuck around. They start spinning like rogue Disneyland teacups until they're drier than Death Valley and everything around them looks like an Amazonian rain forest.
And that's exactly why you don't dry off that way, too. As convenient and fun as it seems, it would ruin all your furniture and piss off anyone within ten feet. Plus it'd make you look stark raving mad.
(flickr photo Shake it, Baby! by OakleyOriginals; http://www.flickr.com/photos/oakleyoriginals/2786093725/)

Pooping in a Box

A box, cats? Really, a box? A tray? A pan? Can't you crap in a large half-circle with water and pipes that lead to a giant underground vat of shit, like us civilized humans? But no, you have to be different, unique, and special, and what says, "I'm as unique as a snowflake or DNA" better than doing your bathroom business in a box? Congratulations, kittens, you officially are different from any other animals or humans in your house, because you know what? We won't crap in a box. We just won't, because then we'd have to hear things like, "my new shoes were in that box" or "that's where I keep all my credit card info" or "you did what in my jewelry box!"
(flickr photo She's getting big.. by faeryboots; http://www.flickr.com/photos/faeryboots/2870079397/)

Website Recommendation

I try to do this whole "break from the normal routine" thing as infrequently as possible, but I just found a really sweet website that's appropriate for this blog.
Right Pet is a website in which members (it's free) can write reviews on types of pets they've owned. The reviewer gets to do a pet owner's favorite thing to do: talk about their pets. And the reader gets a first hand account of whether or not that pet might be good choice for them.
And if that doesn't float your boat, first, why are you reading this on a boat, and second, try this: If someone reviews a husky, can you talk about how they're better at singing than famous pop stars?
Thanks for putting up with my atypical post. On Monday I'll be back to the usual.

Not Caring If They Smell

Tons of animals don't give a crap if they smell, and why should they: they're animals. They're supposed to not give a crap. Occasionally a dog will clean himself, and cats and rodents clean often, but I'm pretty sure that's less about smell and more about looking pretty (goddamn animal vanity), because they still smell afterwards.
Most humans do care if they smell, and if they don't, they're assholes. The people who don't give crap if they smell are the same people who don't give crap if they cut you off in traffic, accidentally trip you, or plunge the economy in the shitter while giving themselves a raise. It's just common courtesy to make sure you don't smell like a Limburger cheese factory everyday. But if an animal smells bad, they're being a typical animal.
(flickr photo Dirty and Happy by YouDooAllous; http://www.flickr.com/photos/youdooallous/2630128910/)

Ball Chewing

No, not those balls, you pervert. I can't believe that would even cross your mind.
Moving on, dogs love to chew tennis balls. The frequency and the intensity varies greatly from dog to dog, but it's disturbing that they chew on them at all. Humans would never chew on tennis balls, and here's why:
1.) We know they're meant to be thrown. Or hit by a Williams sister.
2.) They taste awful. Trust me, I've tried...I mean, uh, I mean I bet they taste awful. I wouldn't know. I've never ever tried to chew on one. Never.
3.) They've been all over the ground, and so they're covered in dirt, crap, and insect blood.
4.) We would look ridiculous with a tennis ball lodged between our jaws.
And 5.) We would much rather chew our rubber in gum form. A far more dignified way to chew rubber, indeed.
(flickr photo Samson, My Hero by neon.love; http://www.flickr.com/photos/stellarsky/346785492/)

Not Regulating Body Temperature

This one is clearly reserved for the reptilian, amphibian, and fishy pets, for whom cold-blooded isn't just a way to describe your ex, but also a physical condition. Any pet owner who's ever bought a heat lamp or a heating pad knows how little control geckos, snakes, turtles, frogs, toads, and fish have over their body's temperature.
Why? Because they're lazy, lazy, lazy ectotherms. You know, when I was kid, lizards would walk twenty miles in the snow everyday just to get a heat lamp, and the heat lamp would only be 20 watts, but they made due with what they had. Nowadays these spoiled brats expect us to wait on them hand and foot. "Um, excuse me, but I'd like the lamp to be 80 watts, not 40. Otherwise I get lethargic and my body processes slow down significantly and it's bad for my health and it's possible I could die." Well, lizard, maybe you should thought of that before you became cold blooded. The rest of us are warm blooded and it's pretty damn sweet.
(flickr photo Green Gecko by dominigs81; http://www.flickr.com/photos/dominiqs/1349256667/)

Hitting Passersby

Hey cats, you know what? When I'm walking down the hallway listening to some Phil Collins on my iPod (that's right, Phil Collins; don't lie, you know you love "In the Air Tonight") and you jump out of the bathroom and smack my leg, scaring my Genesis-loving ass all the way to Peter Gabriel's house, I don't like it. And I think I can speak for the dog on this one, too. I know you're a ferocious predator, and you're just reminding me that you and your retractable claws run things in this house, but honestly, is the subterfuge really neeeded? I'm fine with the smacking. You're a cat, you smack everything. It's the surprise that bothers me. The shock is just too much, especially with the slippery floors around the shower.
You don't see me jumping out from behind buildings to punch my closest friend. Except for that time he never returned my copy of Transporter 2. You have to draw the line somewhere. But otherwise, no one does this, and maybe that should be a clue to you kittens to cool it with the covert claws.
(flickr photo smack by nakae; http://www.flickr.com/photos/nakae/1223523545/)

Flipping Ears Inside Out

Accidental ear flippage, often a result of rolling around like a goddamn maniac, is almost exclusively reserved for dogs with floppy ears, much like the one pictured. Occasionally a cat or a pointy-eared dog will have their ear flipped, but it's a rare citing, like a bald eagle or a sober fraternity.
But a human having his or her ear flipped inside out isn't just rare, it's impossible. And if it does happen, seek medical attention immediately...or make a video and put it online. The only real advantage to this ear flipping ability dogs have is that it doubles their "Holy Shit You Guys, That's So Fucking Adorable" factor (a factor that is already five times higher than a human's, on average), making them more likeable than us without any effort on their part.
(flickr photo Someone Should Tell Him by lavocado@sbcglobal.net; http://www.flickr.com/photos/auntylaurie/2086698729/)

Nose Licking

There's a lot of licking that goes on in this blog, which sounds inappropriate, but it's really not since animals use their tongues for 90% of the weird shit they do. That still sounds inappropriate, doesn't it?
Moving on, cats and dogs often lick their noses. The reason: because they can. Most humans are entirely unable to do this, but those who can won't hesitate to show it off at a party, because it's a sweet trick. Cats and dogs can do this sweet trick anytime they want to, and since they're big shows offs, they do it all the time, as if to say, "Go ahead, try to touch your nose with your tongue. You can't, can you? Awww, that's too bad. No, keep trying, it doesn't make you look like a preschooler who's eaten too much finger paint. Really, it doesn't. Maybe you should practice that at work, and at weddings, and fancy dinners. Want to watch me do it again? Oh, there, I did it, and with no effort. I'm just so damn good."
(flickr photo this is better than cat grass! by angela7dreams; http://www.flickr.com/photos/angela7/106566313/)

Leash Walking

This one is exclusively reserved for dogs. Sure they make leashes for other animals, but try walking your cat on one. Just try it. Tell me how you enjoy the medical bills that follow.
Although leashes aren't their favorite things, dogs will and often do walk on them. You can walk a dog on a leash for hours without anyone thinking it's a problem or without your dog getting overly upset about it. But humans will definitely not walk on leashes. The next time you go for a stroll with one of your friends, try putting a leash on them. Just try it. And tell me how you enjoy the medical bills that follow.
There is an important exception, and that's lazy parents (often found at Walmart) who can't seem to keep their miniature human under control without tethering them. It's weird, but hey, at least the kids aren't clicker trained...or are they?
(flickr photo Furry Friday Dog by jessicafm;
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicafm/262009249/)

Eating Little Bits

Hamsters, gerbils, rats, and mice love grabbing teeny tiny pieces of food, cradling them in their adorable little paws, and nibbling away ever so gently. They love it so much that they refuse to eat any other way, making the rest of us look horribly uncute (definitely a real word) by comparison. How can you compete with that? How could anyone or anything possibly be that goddamn heartwarmingly adorable?
We can't just buy bagels that are three feet in diameter and delicately nibble on them, because we'd either look like idiots or rats, and if there's one lesson we can take from Martin Scorsese films it's that the mafia doesn't like rats. I don't want to have look over my shoulder for the cast of The Departed or Goodfellas every time I get breakfast, and so, this is once again something that only pets can do.
(flickr photo Give me more! by jpockele; http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpockele/339678564/)

Chasing Lasers

The normal reaction to a laser is panicked fleeing, because it's either a sniper, the aliens attacking, or someone giving an annoying power point presentation. But cats say, "Fuck that, we we have claws and sharp teeth, we're not scared of shit," and they hunt that laser down like they're starving and charbroiled laser is on the today's lunch menu. Not only will cats chase lasers, but they'll do it for hours, until their little cat lungs can't take it anymore or they've finally realized that lasers may be the only things in their goddamn house they can't kill. Only cats have the courage, the tenacity, the persistence, the agility, and the fascination with bright things necessary to chase lasers. You find me a human who'll scale vertical surfaces for a moving red dot, and I'll find you a human who's had his brain replaced with a pound of catnip.
(flickr photo Kittens! by Ingorrr; http://www.flickr.com/photos/ingorrr/441645263/)