Leg Humping

Not only is it summer, but it's also Memorial Day, and that means tons of picnics and BBQs and other large gatherings to which dogs are invited. And guess what happens when dogs are invited to events? They hump legs, that's what happens. No fucking manners at all. Like seriously, were you raised in a barn (or a strip club)? I know they're animals, but they could at least stay away from your cousin's husband's sister's calves.
And of all things to hump, why legs, you ask? Well, little known to most, dogs were originally bred as a lower leg cover, because long ago no one could make pants that went beyond the knee. Tailors just weren't that skilled. "Dog" is of the Greek root "dogus" which means "thing that keeps my scandalously exposed legs hidden from the perverted, gawking public." And so, as much I love to judge and scold animals for their inappropriate behaviors, this summer while out at parks and picnics, if your Achilles tendon is suddenly violated by a canine, please cut them some slack; they can't help it.
(flickr photo Down boy! by kennymatic; http://www.flickr.com/photos/kwl/2602576621/)

I'm a Guest Blogger

I'm a guest blogger, and guess what, I even mentioned dogs in my guest post. Check it out, and check out the rest of My Telephone Booth while you're there.

A link

Seriously, check this out. I try not to recommend too many links, so that when I do, it's more meaningful, and trust me Choppy's Dog House is one billion percent deserving of this, and is strangely under appreciated thus far. Change that, bitches, by going there and giving it a try. You know, just take it in the changing room for a minute, see how it looks on you, maybe ask a friend how it looks, and if it works for you and will get you that date you always wanted, take that shit home. So maybe that analogy's bit confusing, but you catch my drift, right?

Panting

It's starting to get hot again, and that means that dogs are going to start panting. Now, before you go on with your busy day of 80s aerobics exercises and paying overdue bills or whatever it is you do on Saturday like it's no big deal, let me remind you of the complete injustice of dog panting.
A dog pants and everyone's all like, "Oh my, that poor pooch is so thirsty, let's get him some water and give him some love." But if you or I start panting, everyone's all like, "Quick! Call the police! There's a pervert following me around and panting." Now is that fair, dogs? Why don't you stop acting like creeps and learn to sweat like the rest of us?
(flickr photo Rowan the ridgeback by D G Brown; http://www.flickr.com/photos/15193764@N07/2441370264/)

Having a Friend Pick Up Their Poop

You know what, dogs? I don't know what to say. I really don't. I could rant and rave for few paragraphs about how degrading it is to put your poop in a little bag that I'll carry around for blocks afterward, or how you never act grateful or offer to clean up my poop, or how bending down behind your butt to so I can grab a steaming pile of crap isn't my favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon, but this pisses me off so much that I just don't think I can muster the energy for that rant.
What I will say is that none of my other friends ask me to clean up after them. I only do it for you because you don't have hands. But as soon as you evolve some, this whole thing is over. I'm tired of this shit. Pun intended!
(flickr photo What's really going on here? by brandi666;http://www.flickr.com/photos/brandi666/2777696348/)

Fur Shedding

Well, it's that time of year again. No, I don't mean the time of year when everyone smells like fermenting sweat, although it is. And no, I don't mean the time of year when girls start dressing like hookers and guys like 13-year-old skaters. But both those things are symptoms of the same cause: heat.
Yep, now you've got it. It's the time of year for shedding. Serious shedding. "I can't wear any of my clothes to work because it looks like there are ferrets living in the pockets" type of shedding. Let's not even get into the furniture.
And guess who's to blame. If you guessed the pets, you're one hundred percent right. Humans don't shed. No, your male pattern baldness doesn't count as shedding, but nice to try. People will say anything to avoid admitting they're balding.
(flickr photo Cat Hair Landscape by semarr; http://www.flickr.com/photos/semarr/1184030959/)

Giving Birth to a Litter

That crazy ass Angelina-Jolie-looking octomom aside, humans don't give birth to litters. Sure, occasionally a pair of twins pop out, but really, that's about it.
But dogs, cats, and tons of small animals think it's totally fine to have as many kids as they want. Well, you can't, goddamnit! Haven't you been reading any of the magazines in the check out lines? What, you don't go to supermarkets? What a lame excuse. Well let me sum it up for you: we all know you're just trying to get famous. You don't even care about those kids. It's all about you, isn't it? Next time, trying having one kid like everyone else, all right?
(flickr photo More Puppy Pile by AirBeagle; http://www.flickr.com/photos/airbeagle/446918732/)

Flying Animals and Rehomed Dogs

Today's post is doubly terrible. Not only have I not posted in a while, but this is a post of links and not things that pets do. I know, I suck. Feel free to egg my house later.
First, you can now fly your pets without having to stash them in the underbelly of a plane, which is nice, since although my dogs and cats are often mistaken for suitcases (except they're not), I'd like to not keep them in the same place people put their clothing and curling irons. Just a thought. Also, while you're at the site, be sure to check the video posted in their blog on April 20th, because the male newscaster is the epitome of douche bag. This guy has it down to a science. He might want to see if Harvard will give him an honorary degree in douche baggery.
Second, tonight ESPN will have a special on what happened to Michael Vick's rehabilitated and rehoused dogs. As someone who has a loving pit bull rescued from a less than ideal situation, I feel it's my duty to promote a TV special on loving pit bulls rescued from less than ideal situations. It's also my duty to give the obligatory fuck you Michael Vick for being an astoundingly horrible human being comment. He's way worse than that dumbass newscaster. Infinitely worse.
I promise I'll be back soon with more Things Pets Do.

Eating Kibble

You knew you'd get called out on it eventually, dogs and cats. Yeah, yeah, I know you'd rather eat a steak or some tuna, and yes, I know we're the ones who give you this crap, but you still eat it. Round little dried-out pellets. You might as well just take your food intravenously.
I'm so glad we humans never eat processed, dried food. Now, I'm off to heat up a frozen dinner, have a little juice from concentrate, and finish it all with hot chocolate mix in hot water. I'm so glad we humans eat real meals like we're supposed to; none of this goddamn kibble crap.
(flickr photo half in the bag by klynslis; http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisa_yarost/2086542415/)

Sleeping Adorably

You know, animals, you do a lot of things while sleeping that we humans could never pull off, but by far one of the most infuriating is being so goddamn adorable. Seriously, when you pass out, I feel like I'm going to have a cute-induced heart attack. It's a real condition (not), and you're to blame (if it were, you would be).
And no matter how hard we try, 99% of the time that we humans sleep we don't look cute, we look like this. Or this. Or this. And even occasionally, like this. You win again, animals. You win again, damn you.
(flickr photo monday afternoon by chrisada; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisada/2415541623/)

Spreading Eagle

Listen up, dogs and cats. Just because you're not a human doesn't mean it's okay roll around in compromising and exposing positions. You and I both know that you're just flaunting the fact that you can get away with such scandalous shows, while we humans must carefully monitor how we are seated at all times to be sure that we aren't spreading out legs wide for the whole world to see what lies below.
Even if we could sit so strangely, we wouldn't, because we have respect for ourselves, unlike you.
(flickr photo this is a new behavior by Rob!; http://www.flickr.com/photos/xerostomia/362942437/)

Catching a Frisbee with a Mouth

Dogs, dogs, dogs. Do you know where that frisbee has been? It's disgusting, absolutely disgusting that you'd even consider putting your mouth around it. Plus, it's such an awkward shape, it can't be easy to hold onto.
Everyone else ever in the whole world catches frisbees with their hands, but you have to do it with your mouth. I don't care that you don't have any thumbs! That's no excuse, goddamnit!
And yes, I do realize that there were at least five good "that's what she said" jokes in there that I passed up. I'm mature, dogs, unlike you.
(flickr photo the superdog by jared; http://www.flickr.com/photos/generated/3248455087/)

Peeing on Trees

We humans only pee on trees if we're a dude and we're either camping or desperately have to go and there's no one around...that is until those nuns, school children, stay-at-home moms, elderly women, and every girl you ever found attractive turn the corner. Great, the one time I couldn't find a bathroom. This is the only time I've done this, I swear. I don't pee on trees often. Really! Oh hi, mom. Shit.
But dogs pee on trees all the time, in the middle of major metropolitan areas, in front of scores and scores of judgemental humans, and they don't care. They don't give a good (or bad) goddamn. They just just keep pissing on that tree like they're in an Olympic urination competition, which fortunately doesn't actually exist.
(flickr photo Marking territory by Scarleth White; http://www.flickr.com/photos/iloveblue/2415839655/)

Sleeping in Weird Positions

Here's the deal, cats and dogs, you're either sleeping or you're stretching. Pick one. You can't do both, because it fucks with my head and also because no one else does that, at least not to the degree you do. How the hell do you relax like that? How do you not wake up with 55 pulled muscles? Did you train with gymnasts? Russian gymnasts? Who also sleep a lot?
You know what, I don't even want to know the answer. All I know and all I want to know is that I, and the rest of humanity, will never sleep in such ridiculous positions.
(flickr photo Stretchy sleep by Eggybird; http://www.flickr.com/photos/eggybird/64880916/)

Drooling

What's the phrase I'm looking for, dogs? Oh yeah: What the fuck ? Drooling is disgusting. Stop it. You're not even drooling because you see something delicious and tasty, like say tacos and guacamole. You're just drooling for no goddamn reason. Well, I guess you're drooling because we humans bred some of you to look cute and funny by giving you extra loose skin around your mouth and jaw that allows drool to seep out in a way that it doesn't with other dog breeds and most other animals. So it's really not your fault, but still, stop it! It's gross.
At least carry around a little dog napkin so you can clean up after yourself.
(flickr photo drooling dog by Wrote; http://www.flickr.com/photos/wrote/1953628172/)

Destroying Toilet Paper

An internationally recognized holiday amongst all cats and some dogs, Toilet Paper Destruction Day is celebrated on a bimonthly basis. Its date is not set in stone, but often falls on the day when the humans in the house have had too much Mexican food, and are in dire need of the murdered and unusable toilet paper. It also seems to fall on days when said humans are busy as shit, with absolutely not time to deal with this fucking crap. For cats, the day symbolizes their independence from all human authority. It's believed that the toilet paper stands for the hopes and dreams of the people in the house, and thus by destroying it, the cats are making a powerful statement about their stance in the home's hierarchy.
Rumor has it that some humans have considered rebelling by instituting a litter tossing celebration, but this was stopped when they realized that only someone as rude as a cat would fuck with someone else's ability to answer nature's call.
(flickr photo Gatti e carta igienica by One From RM; http://www.flickr.com/photos/onefromrome/88751308/in/set72157594175560229/)

Self-Promotion (Sorry)

I hate self-promotion, even it's legitimate self-promotion. But I just wrote an entry in my other blog, Who's More Awesome, entitled Cats Vs. Dogs. Since this is probably the only time that the subjects of my blogs will cross, I figured it was acceptable to take this self-promotion opportunity.
And if you don't like it, take a look at this. I think the polar bear just drank one to many coca colas and is on a sugar high. Those dogs better be careful twenty minutes from now when he starts to come off the high. Have the coke cans ready; that bear needs some high fructose corn syrup and caffeine, stat!

Barking At Strangers

Not only do humans not bark at strangers outside our house, but most of us don't feel the need to yell, scream, or shout at them either. A good amount of dogs, on the other hand, hear someone outside and are overwhelmed by the urge to talk to them. Really, dogs? Are you that attention starved that you have to reach out to people on the streets? Even if you are, you should know that yelling isn't the best way to get attention. It's scary and startling. Maybe that's your goal, but in that case couldn't you just say, "Hey, please don't come in here, because I wont like it and I'll be all mean to you, so just a heads up. Like this is my house, and I'm very protective of it, because my possessions mean a lot to me, because I haven't yet discovered the Buddhist notion of letting go of all worldly possessions. Thanks for listening." That would be so much nicer than continuous barking. Just a suggestion.
(flickr photo Picture 179 by Wyscan; http://www.flickr.com/photos/wyscan/1055227371/)

Sniffing the Ground

Dog's sniff the ground because smelling is their favorite scent and the ground is covered with good smells, like foot prints and piss. We don't sniff the ground because smelling doesn't do anything for us, and because the ground is covered with foot prints and piss. If you see a dog sniffing the ground, he or she is figuring shit out, getting places, accomplishing things, and living it up. If you see a human sniffing the ground, they've escaped from the local mental health institution, and they need the immediate attention of a psychiatrist...or they're a werewolf.
(flickr photo Bloodhound Trials Feb 2008 -154 by Contadini; http://www.flickr.com/photos/92305862@N00/2307362444/)

Shaking Dry

So, your dog's soaked, and you're thinking, "Oh let me grab a nice little wash cloth and we shall casually dry him, inch by inch, just as I do post-bathing." Well think again, because before you can finish that carefully constructed sentence, your dog has shaken himself all over your bathroom, kitchen, and living room, and now he's rolling in your sheets. You see, when dogs dry off, they don't fuck around. They start spinning like rogue Disneyland teacups until they're drier than Death Valley and everything around them looks like an Amazonian rain forest.
And that's exactly why you don't dry off that way, too. As convenient and fun as it seems, it would ruin all your furniture and piss off anyone within ten feet. Plus it'd make you look stark raving mad.
(flickr photo Shake it, Baby! by OakleyOriginals; http://www.flickr.com/photos/oakleyoriginals/2786093725/)