Catching a Frisbee with a Mouth

Dogs, dogs, dogs. Do you know where that frisbee has been? It's disgusting, absolutely disgusting that you'd even consider putting your mouth around it. Plus, it's such an awkward shape, it can't be easy to hold onto.
Everyone else ever in the whole world catches frisbees with their hands, but you have to do it with your mouth. I don't care that you don't have any thumbs! That's no excuse, goddamnit!
And yes, I do realize that there were at least five good "that's what she said" jokes in there that I passed up. I'm mature, dogs, unlike you.
(flickr photo the superdog by jared; http://www.flickr.com/photos/generated/3248455087/)

Regrowing A Tail

There are certain animal skills that I can let slide. You know, give the old, "wow, I'm so impressed. Thanks for showing me that, animal" line and get back to my taco salad (extra taco, hold the salad). But tail regeneration is just too fucking much. Honestly, these lizards can have a part of their body ripped off and then miraculously grow it back, and they act like it isn't a big deal. Well it is. It's a goddamn huge deal. Most pets are just happy having tails, but lizards take their pet awesomeness one step higher with tail regrowth.
But not only can we humans not grow our tails back, we don't even have tails. Well, at least we can regulate our body temperature.
(flickr photo Lizard-best by aussiegall; http://www.flickr.com/photos/aussiegall/293621164/)

Peeing on Trees

We humans only pee on trees if we're a dude and we're either camping or desperately have to go and there's no one around...that is until those nuns, school children, stay-at-home moms, elderly women, and every girl you ever found attractive turn the corner. Great, the one time I couldn't find a bathroom. This is the only time I've done this, I swear. I don't pee on trees often. Really! Oh hi, mom. Shit.
But dogs pee on trees all the time, in the middle of major metropolitan areas, in front of scores and scores of judgemental humans, and they don't care. They don't give a good (or bad) goddamn. They just just keep pissing on that tree like they're in an Olympic urination competition, which fortunately doesn't actually exist.
(flickr photo Marking territory by Scarleth White; http://www.flickr.com/photos/iloveblue/2415839655/)

Sleeping in Weird Positions

Here's the deal, cats and dogs, you're either sleeping or you're stretching. Pick one. You can't do both, because it fucks with my head and also because no one else does that, at least not to the degree you do. How the hell do you relax like that? How do you not wake up with 55 pulled muscles? Did you train with gymnasts? Russian gymnasts? Who also sleep a lot?
You know what, I don't even want to know the answer. All I know and all I want to know is that I, and the rest of humanity, will never sleep in such ridiculous positions.
(flickr photo Stretchy sleep by Eggybird; http://www.flickr.com/photos/eggybird/64880916/)

Flying

I'm so happy for you birds. I really am. It must be super sweet to fly around everywhere. Like, it must be the best. Just the best. And I'm not even a little envious.
You know why flying is awesome, birds? Because it's flying. Well, clearly you already know that, because you do it all the time. I'm sure you could give me more reasons it's awesome. I only know of that one, you know, because I can't fucking fly, goddamnit. I swear I'm not envious.
I guess that's the trade off of living the pampered life of a pet bird: free food and water always but limited flying. Lame.
(flickr photo Leaving by zimpenfish; http://www.flickr.com/photos/zimpenfish/2037655993/)

Drooling

What's the phrase I'm looking for, dogs? Oh yeah: What the fuck ? Drooling is disgusting. Stop it. You're not even drooling because you see something delicious and tasty, like say tacos and guacamole. You're just drooling for no goddamn reason. Well, I guess you're drooling because we humans bred some of you to look cute and funny by giving you extra loose skin around your mouth and jaw that allows drool to seep out in a way that it doesn't with other dog breeds and most other animals. So it's really not your fault, but still, stop it! It's gross.
At least carry around a little dog napkin so you can clean up after yourself.
(flickr photo drooling dog by Wrote; http://www.flickr.com/photos/wrote/1953628172/)

Destroying Toilet Paper

An internationally recognized holiday amongst all cats and some dogs, Toilet Paper Destruction Day is celebrated on a bimonthly basis. Its date is not set in stone, but often falls on the day when the humans in the house have had too much Mexican food, and are in dire need of the murdered and unusable toilet paper. It also seems to fall on days when said humans are busy as shit, with absolutely not time to deal with this fucking crap. For cats, the day symbolizes their independence from all human authority. It's believed that the toilet paper stands for the hopes and dreams of the people in the house, and thus by destroying it, the cats are making a powerful statement about their stance in the home's hierarchy.
Rumor has it that some humans have considered rebelling by instituting a litter tossing celebration, but this was stopped when they realized that only someone as rude as a cat would fuck with someone else's ability to answer nature's call.
(flickr photo Gatti e carta igienica by One From RM; http://www.flickr.com/photos/onefromrome/88751308/in/set72157594175560229/)

Self-Promotion (Sorry)

I hate self-promotion, even it's legitimate self-promotion. But I just wrote an entry in my other blog, Who's More Awesome, entitled Cats Vs. Dogs. Since this is probably the only time that the subjects of my blogs will cross, I figured it was acceptable to take this self-promotion opportunity.
And if you don't like it, take a look at this. I think the polar bear just drank one to many coca colas and is on a sugar high. Those dogs better be careful twenty minutes from now when he starts to come off the high. Have the coke cans ready; that bear needs some high fructose corn syrup and caffeine, stat!

Barking At Strangers

Not only do humans not bark at strangers outside our house, but most of us don't feel the need to yell, scream, or shout at them either. A good amount of dogs, on the other hand, hear someone outside and are overwhelmed by the urge to talk to them. Really, dogs? Are you that attention starved that you have to reach out to people on the streets? Even if you are, you should know that yelling isn't the best way to get attention. It's scary and startling. Maybe that's your goal, but in that case couldn't you just say, "Hey, please don't come in here, because I wont like it and I'll be all mean to you, so just a heads up. Like this is my house, and I'm very protective of it, because my possessions mean a lot to me, because I haven't yet discovered the Buddhist notion of letting go of all worldly possessions. Thanks for listening." That would be so much nicer than continuous barking. Just a suggestion.
(flickr photo Picture 179 by Wyscan; http://www.flickr.com/photos/wyscan/1055227371/)

Shedding Skin

Shedding skin? Seriously, snakes and lizards? That's so badass. On a scale of lame to badass, that's super badass. I want to scold you for being the living metaphor of change, but that doesn't deserve scolding, it deserves congratulations.
And as much as humans might want to slither into a new body each month, we can't. That is unless you have really dry skin and the weather's awful, and you don't use lotion, then maybe you can. But on a more serious note, shedding looks very tiresome and painful, two adjectives that a majority of humans are opposed to, and so, you regal reptilians shall continue to reign supreme when it comes to leaving old skin behind you.
(flickr photo Snake skin by KiloEchoRomeoIndia; http://www.flickr.com/photos/panzer73/2892144377/)

Staring Out the Window

What is it with cats and windows? Honestly, there can't be that much cool shit going on outside. If there were, I wouldn't have bought a TV. But still, like an idiot with amnesia, they fool me every time. "Ohhhh, the cat's at the window, there must be something really sweet going on outside, I better go look." But no, cat, you're staring at nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it fascinates you.
And you know what the real burn is here? Even if I wanted to sit at the window and stare out it all day like a cat, there's no way I could conveniently perch myself on the window sill like they do. I'm not that small and my windows aren't that big. Well, I'm glad that windows are such a perfect fit for you cats. I'm not jealous. Not even a little bit.
(flickr photo Alex by the window by Richard Cocks; http://www.flickr.com/photos/richardland/279081793/)

Sniffing the Ground

Dog's sniff the ground because smelling is their favorite scent and the ground is covered with good smells, like foot prints and piss. We don't sniff the ground because smelling doesn't do anything for us, and because the ground is covered with foot prints and piss. If you see a dog sniffing the ground, he or she is figuring shit out, getting places, accomplishing things, and living it up. If you see a human sniffing the ground, they've escaped from the local mental health institution, and they need the immediate attention of a psychiatrist...or they're a werewolf.
(flickr photo Bloodhound Trials Feb 2008 -154 by Contadini; http://www.flickr.com/photos/92305862@N00/2307362444/)

Swimming All The Time

Fish haven't really gotten much flak yet, but they need it, so here it is. They never stop swimming. Ever. Just swim, swim, swim. Not even Michael Phelps swims that much (I'm restraining myself from bong jokes). Even Aquaman didn't. But fish are all about swimming. It's their favorite. If they had blogger accounts they'd write, "God damnit, I love swimming" in their about mes.
Now, we can't swim all the time, and there are a lot of reasons for that, one of them being that basically our entire civilization is on land...unless you live in Atlantis. But the real reason, the main reason, is that we'd get all gross and pruney.
(flickr photo fish eye of the fish by jelene; http://www.flickr.com/photos/jelene/2306426147/)

Chattering

Rodents chatter constantly, gnawing their little teeth together like their life depends on it. Okay, fine, so their life does depend on it. Right, right, I know that if they don't gnaw their teeth down, their teeth will grow up into their head and kill them. Constantly growing teeth must be a bitch, but that aside, it's still some really weird shit that none of us would ever do.
Well, that's a lie. I did it once to annoy someone at a party. It worked, and now I can't chatter my teeth anymore because I lost them in the fight. Never chatter around the guy who's been drinking Jim Beam all night.
(flickr photo John's Hamster, Crispy by wsilver; http://www.flickr.com/photos/psycho-pics/3079172298/)

Shaking Dry

So, your dog's soaked, and you're thinking, "Oh let me grab a nice little wash cloth and we shall casually dry him, inch by inch, just as I do post-bathing." Well think again, because before you can finish that carefully constructed sentence, your dog has shaken himself all over your bathroom, kitchen, and living room, and now he's rolling in your sheets. You see, when dogs dry off, they don't fuck around. They start spinning like rogue Disneyland teacups until they're drier than Death Valley and everything around them looks like an Amazonian rain forest.
And that's exactly why you don't dry off that way, too. As convenient and fun as it seems, it would ruin all your furniture and piss off anyone within ten feet. Plus it'd make you look stark raving mad.
(flickr photo Shake it, Baby! by OakleyOriginals; http://www.flickr.com/photos/oakleyoriginals/2786093725/)

Pooping in a Box

A box, cats? Really, a box? A tray? A pan? Can't you crap in a large half-circle with water and pipes that lead to a giant underground vat of shit, like us civilized humans? But no, you have to be different, unique, and special, and what says, "I'm as unique as a snowflake or DNA" better than doing your bathroom business in a box? Congratulations, kittens, you officially are different from any other animals or humans in your house, because you know what? We won't crap in a box. We just won't, because then we'd have to hear things like, "my new shoes were in that box" or "that's where I keep all my credit card info" or "you did what in my jewelry box!"
(flickr photo She's getting big.. by faeryboots; http://www.flickr.com/photos/faeryboots/2870079397/)