Eating Little Bits

Hamsters, gerbils, rats, and mice love grabbing teeny tiny pieces of food, cradling them in their adorable little paws, and nibbling away ever so gently. They love it so much that they refuse to eat any other way, making the rest of us look horribly uncute (definitely a real word) by comparison. How can you compete with that? How could anyone or anything possibly be that goddamn heartwarmingly adorable?
We can't just buy bagels that are three feet in diameter and delicately nibble on them, because we'd either look like idiots or rats, and if there's one lesson we can take from Martin Scorsese films it's that the mafia doesn't like rats. I don't want to have look over my shoulder for the cast of The Departed or Goodfellas every time I get breakfast, and so, this is once again something that only pets can do.
(flickr photo Give me more! by jpockele; http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpockele/339678564/)

Shoving Their Face in a Bowl of Food

When dogs and cats (and a good number of small animals) eat, instead of pulling out the old silverware their grandma gave them and a couple snazzy blue napkins, they just shove their face into a bowl filled with all the same shit, and chomp it down like they're three-time pie eating champions in the Kansas State Fair. I mean, seriously guys, couldn't you use your paws like a civilized creature? It doesn't take that much effort, and it really makes a big difference in how people view you. Do you honestly think I'm ever going to take you to a fancy restaurant with those eating habits? Put you're tuxedo back in the closet, because the answer is no. And you look silly in a tuxedo anyway. It makes your tail look fat.
Next Thanksgiving I'm going to try eating like this as an experiment. My hypothesis is that it takes less than 30 seconds for my Uncle to crack me in the ribcage for being a douche.
(flickr photo Mao is eating by stickwithjosh; http://www.flickr.com/photos/stickwithjosh/2549333638/)

Waiting to Steal Food

Remember that time I was at your house, and you were eating a delicious dinner after a hard day of work, and I really wanted some, so I sat down right next to your legs, with my head as close to the table as possible and waited for you to look away so I could snag some with my long tongue? No, you don't. That's funny. Oh, well maybe that's because I'm not a dog, and I don't do rude shit like that just because I feel like it. It's not okay to take food from someone when they reach for the remote. That's awful etiquette and you're never going to make any friends that way, dogs. This is even worse than when they beg for food, because at least then they let you make the decision in regards to sharing your meal, instead of snatching it off your plate faster than an addict reaching for a spoon and a lighter. Rude, just downright rude.
(flickr photo steve eats by dickuhne; http://www.flickr.com/photos/dickuhne/233642966/)