Meowing at Birds

I'm pretty sure that I don't need to explain to you why we don't meow at birds through a window. It should be obvious how goddamn stupid that is to anyone who isn't a fucking cat, so instead of wasting my time with that, I'll present you with a short play entitled "Cat Talks to Bird Through Window."
The sun is just rising, and with it, so are the birds. But the humans sleep peacefully because they don't give a shit about birds and sun and because they have to work all fucking day, goddamnit. The cat, who never ever works (ever), leaps to the window and starts meowing at full volume, waking the sleeping humans.
Cat: I'm going to eat you, bird.
Bird: No, you aren't. There's a window between us. I win, you lose.
Cat: Someday there wont be a window, and that's the day I'll fuck you up, you annoying little bird.
Bird: Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, I still win now. Birds rule!
Cats: Aaaaahhhhhhh I hate birds! Hate them, hate them, hate them, hate them!
Humans add a shot of esspresso to their coffee that morning, while staring menacingly at the cat. End Scene.
(flickr photo My cat shadow...... by chaffeerobyn; http://www.flickr.com/photos/10165172@N04/858461173/)

Having a Friend Pick Up Their Poop

You know what, dogs? I don't know what to say. I really don't. I could rant and rave for few paragraphs about how degrading it is to put your poop in a little bag that I'll carry around for blocks afterward, or how you never act grateful or offer to clean up my poop, or how bending down behind your butt to so I can grab a steaming pile of crap isn't my favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon, but this pisses me off so much that I just don't think I can muster the energy for that rant.
What I will say is that none of my other friends ask me to clean up after them. I only do it for you because you don't have hands. But as soon as you evolve some, this whole thing is over. I'm tired of this shit. Pun intended!
(flickr photo What's really going on here? by brandi666;http://www.flickr.com/photos/brandi666/2777696348/)

Pushing Watermelons

I know what you're thinking: since when do cat's push watermelons? Since this picture, that's when. I was asked by Barb to "explain" the picture of a cat pushing a watermelon out of a lake, and I must say, it took me a while to figure out. Why wouldn't it? It's fucking confusing.
But here it is.
The lolcat caption is incorrect. This cat is in no way related to Sisyphus, nor was he the pet of Sisyphus. Sisyphus was more of a dog person.
This is a much sadder story. It's a clear case of animal abuse. Humans all around the country abuse their cats by making them carry large fruit up slippery surfaces. When animal control finally finds these poor felines, they're exhausted and covered with sticky fruit juice. And the humans just get a slap on the wrist (if that) while the poor abused cats will probably be put down before they can find a home that wont make them push watermelons out of lakes.
The whole watermelon thing wasn't serious, but the animal abuse and shelter overcrowding stuff was, so I'm going to be a good citizen and use this opportunity to tell you to support your local shelter in anyway possible (adoptions, fostering, donations, spreading the word). I'm in Philly, and so in case you are too, here's a link to our local shelter. Wherever you are, if you're thinking of adding a new pet to your household, please consider adoption. With each adopted cat, there's one less cat forced to push watermelons.
(flickr photo funny-pictures-sisyphus-cat-watermelon-water by reizzel; http://www.flickr.com/photos/reizzil/2267001285/)

Fur Shedding

Well, it's that time of year again. No, I don't mean the time of year when everyone smells like fermenting sweat, although it is. And no, I don't mean the time of year when girls start dressing like hookers and guys like 13-year-old skaters. But both those things are symptoms of the same cause: heat.
Yep, now you've got it. It's the time of year for shedding. Serious shedding. "I can't wear any of my clothes to work because it looks like there are ferrets living in the pockets" type of shedding. Let's not even get into the furniture.
And guess who's to blame. If you guessed the pets, you're one hundred percent right. Humans don't shed. No, your male pattern baldness doesn't count as shedding, but nice to try. People will say anything to avoid admitting they're balding.
(flickr photo Cat Hair Landscape by semarr; http://www.flickr.com/photos/semarr/1184030959/)

Giving Birth to a Litter

That crazy ass Angelina-Jolie-looking octomom aside, humans don't give birth to litters. Sure, occasionally a pair of twins pop out, but really, that's about it.
But dogs, cats, and tons of small animals think it's totally fine to have as many kids as they want. Well, you can't, goddamnit! Haven't you been reading any of the magazines in the check out lines? What, you don't go to supermarkets? What a lame excuse. Well let me sum it up for you: we all know you're just trying to get famous. You don't even care about those kids. It's all about you, isn't it? Next time, trying having one kid like everyone else, all right?
(flickr photo More Puppy Pile by AirBeagle; http://www.flickr.com/photos/airbeagle/446918732/)

Flying Animals and Rehomed Dogs

Today's post is doubly terrible. Not only have I not posted in a while, but this is a post of links and not things that pets do. I know, I suck. Feel free to egg my house later.
First, you can now fly your pets without having to stash them in the underbelly of a plane, which is nice, since although my dogs and cats are often mistaken for suitcases (except they're not), I'd like to not keep them in the same place people put their clothing and curling irons. Just a thought. Also, while you're at the site, be sure to check the video posted in their blog on April 20th, because the male newscaster is the epitome of douche bag. This guy has it down to a science. He might want to see if Harvard will give him an honorary degree in douche baggery.
Second, tonight ESPN will have a special on what happened to Michael Vick's rehabilitated and rehoused dogs. As someone who has a loving pit bull rescued from a less than ideal situation, I feel it's my duty to promote a TV special on loving pit bulls rescued from less than ideal situations. It's also my duty to give the obligatory fuck you Michael Vick for being an astoundingly horrible human being comment. He's way worse than that dumbass newscaster. Infinitely worse.
I promise I'll be back soon with more Things Pets Do.

Eating Kibble

You knew you'd get called out on it eventually, dogs and cats. Yeah, yeah, I know you'd rather eat a steak or some tuna, and yes, I know we're the ones who give you this crap, but you still eat it. Round little dried-out pellets. You might as well just take your food intravenously.
I'm so glad we humans never eat processed, dried food. Now, I'm off to heat up a frozen dinner, have a little juice from concentrate, and finish it all with hot chocolate mix in hot water. I'm so glad we humans eat real meals like we're supposed to; none of this goddamn kibble crap.
(flickr photo half in the bag by klynslis; http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisa_yarost/2086542415/)

Sleeping Adorably

You know, animals, you do a lot of things while sleeping that we humans could never pull off, but by far one of the most infuriating is being so goddamn adorable. Seriously, when you pass out, I feel like I'm going to have a cute-induced heart attack. It's a real condition (not), and you're to blame (if it were, you would be).
And no matter how hard we try, 99% of the time that we humans sleep we don't look cute, we look like this. Or this. Or this. And even occasionally, like this. You win again, animals. You win again, damn you.
(flickr photo monday afternoon by chrisada; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisada/2415541623/)

Spreading Eagle

Listen up, dogs and cats. Just because you're not a human doesn't mean it's okay roll around in compromising and exposing positions. You and I both know that you're just flaunting the fact that you can get away with such scandalous shows, while we humans must carefully monitor how we are seated at all times to be sure that we aren't spreading out legs wide for the whole world to see what lies below.
Even if we could sit so strangely, we wouldn't, because we have respect for ourselves, unlike you.
(flickr photo this is a new behavior by Rob!; http://www.flickr.com/photos/xerostomia/362942437/)

Playing with String

Oh gosh golly gee, cats, some string! You don't say! Well that's just so swell and fun and exciting! I could play with it for hours...NOT! How boring can you be? String? Really? Try video games, sports, and and rock paper scissors. Now that's how you play, cats. Especially rock paper scissors; what an ingenious game.

The other problem with string play is that there's so much string out there. I don't want to be at a bar, enjoying a few beers with Nordic/Germanic names I can't pronounce, when I notice someone with long shoelaces and fall to the floor to bat them around for a half hour. That's annoying and slightly frightening for everyone involved.

(flickr photo having a ball (of string) by toby-won-kenobi; http://www.flickr.com/photos/76653379@N00/16611554/)

Sleeping in Weird Positions

Here's the deal, cats and dogs, you're either sleeping or you're stretching. Pick one. You can't do both, because it fucks with my head and also because no one else does that, at least not to the degree you do. How the hell do you relax like that? How do you not wake up with 55 pulled muscles? Did you train with gymnasts? Russian gymnasts? Who also sleep a lot?
You know what, I don't even want to know the answer. All I know and all I want to know is that I, and the rest of humanity, will never sleep in such ridiculous positions.
(flickr photo Stretchy sleep by Eggybird; http://www.flickr.com/photos/eggybird/64880916/)

Destroying Toilet Paper

An internationally recognized holiday amongst all cats and some dogs, Toilet Paper Destruction Day is celebrated on a bimonthly basis. Its date is not set in stone, but often falls on the day when the humans in the house have had too much Mexican food, and are in dire need of the murdered and unusable toilet paper. It also seems to fall on days when said humans are busy as shit, with absolutely not time to deal with this fucking crap. For cats, the day symbolizes their independence from all human authority. It's believed that the toilet paper stands for the hopes and dreams of the people in the house, and thus by destroying it, the cats are making a powerful statement about their stance in the home's hierarchy.
Rumor has it that some humans have considered rebelling by instituting a litter tossing celebration, but this was stopped when they realized that only someone as rude as a cat would fuck with someone else's ability to answer nature's call.
(flickr photo Gatti e carta igienica by One From RM; http://www.flickr.com/photos/onefromrome/88751308/in/set72157594175560229/)

Self-Promotion (Sorry)

I hate self-promotion, even it's legitimate self-promotion. But I just wrote an entry in my other blog, Who's More Awesome, entitled Cats Vs. Dogs. Since this is probably the only time that the subjects of my blogs will cross, I figured it was acceptable to take this self-promotion opportunity.
And if you don't like it, take a look at this. I think the polar bear just drank one to many coca colas and is on a sugar high. Those dogs better be careful twenty minutes from now when he starts to come off the high. Have the coke cans ready; that bear needs some high fructose corn syrup and caffeine, stat!

Staring Out the Window

What is it with cats and windows? Honestly, there can't be that much cool shit going on outside. If there were, I wouldn't have bought a TV. But still, like an idiot with amnesia, they fool me every time. "Ohhhh, the cat's at the window, there must be something really sweet going on outside, I better go look." But no, cat, you're staring at nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it fascinates you.
And you know what the real burn is here? Even if I wanted to sit at the window and stare out it all day like a cat, there's no way I could conveniently perch myself on the window sill like they do. I'm not that small and my windows aren't that big. Well, I'm glad that windows are such a perfect fit for you cats. I'm not jealous. Not even a little bit.
(flickr photo Alex by the window by Richard Cocks; http://www.flickr.com/photos/richardland/279081793/)

Pooping in a Box

A box, cats? Really, a box? A tray? A pan? Can't you crap in a large half-circle with water and pipes that lead to a giant underground vat of shit, like us civilized humans? But no, you have to be different, unique, and special, and what says, "I'm as unique as a snowflake or DNA" better than doing your bathroom business in a box? Congratulations, kittens, you officially are different from any other animals or humans in your house, because you know what? We won't crap in a box. We just won't, because then we'd have to hear things like, "my new shoes were in that box" or "that's where I keep all my credit card info" or "you did what in my jewelry box!"
(flickr photo She's getting big.. by faeryboots; http://www.flickr.com/photos/faeryboots/2870079397/)

Website Recommendation

I try to do this whole "break from the normal routine" thing as infrequently as possible, but I just found a really sweet website that's appropriate for this blog.
Right Pet is a website in which members (it's free) can write reviews on types of pets they've owned. The reviewer gets to do a pet owner's favorite thing to do: talk about their pets. And the reader gets a first hand account of whether or not that pet might be good choice for them.
And if that doesn't float your boat, first, why are you reading this on a boat, and second, try this: If someone reviews a husky, can you talk about how they're better at singing than famous pop stars?
Thanks for putting up with my atypical post. On Monday I'll be back to the usual.

Not Caring If They Smell

Tons of animals don't give a crap if they smell, and why should they: they're animals. They're supposed to not give a crap. Occasionally a dog will clean himself, and cats and rodents clean often, but I'm pretty sure that's less about smell and more about looking pretty (goddamn animal vanity), because they still smell afterwards.
Most humans do care if they smell, and if they don't, they're assholes. The people who don't give crap if they smell are the same people who don't give crap if they cut you off in traffic, accidentally trip you, or plunge the economy in the shitter while giving themselves a raise. It's just common courtesy to make sure you don't smell like a Limburger cheese factory everyday. But if an animal smells bad, they're being a typical animal.
(flickr photo Dirty and Happy by YouDooAllous; http://www.flickr.com/photos/youdooallous/2630128910/)

Hitting Passersby

Hey cats, you know what? When I'm walking down the hallway listening to some Phil Collins on my iPod (that's right, Phil Collins; don't lie, you know you love "In the Air Tonight") and you jump out of the bathroom and smack my leg, scaring my Genesis-loving ass all the way to Peter Gabriel's house, I don't like it. And I think I can speak for the dog on this one, too. I know you're a ferocious predator, and you're just reminding me that you and your retractable claws run things in this house, but honestly, is the subterfuge really neeeded? I'm fine with the smacking. You're a cat, you smack everything. It's the surprise that bothers me. The shock is just too much, especially with the slippery floors around the shower.
You don't see me jumping out from behind buildings to punch my closest friend. Except for that time he never returned my copy of Transporter 2. You have to draw the line somewhere. But otherwise, no one does this, and maybe that should be a clue to you kittens to cool it with the covert claws.
(flickr photo smack by nakae; http://www.flickr.com/photos/nakae/1223523545/)

Flipping Ears Inside Out

Accidental ear flippage, often a result of rolling around like a goddamn maniac, is almost exclusively reserved for dogs with floppy ears, much like the one pictured. Occasionally a cat or a pointy-eared dog will have their ear flipped, but it's a rare citing, like a bald eagle or a sober fraternity.
But a human having his or her ear flipped inside out isn't just rare, it's impossible. And if it does happen, seek medical attention immediately...or make a video and put it online. The only real advantage to this ear flipping ability dogs have is that it doubles their "Holy Shit You Guys, That's So Fucking Adorable" factor (a factor that is already five times higher than a human's, on average), making them more likeable than us without any effort on their part.
(flickr photo Someone Should Tell Him by lavocado@sbcglobal.net; http://www.flickr.com/photos/auntylaurie/2086698729/)

Nose Licking

There's a lot of licking that goes on in this blog, which sounds inappropriate, but it's really not since animals use their tongues for 90% of the weird shit they do. That still sounds inappropriate, doesn't it?
Moving on, cats and dogs often lick their noses. The reason: because they can. Most humans are entirely unable to do this, but those who can won't hesitate to show it off at a party, because it's a sweet trick. Cats and dogs can do this sweet trick anytime they want to, and since they're big shows offs, they do it all the time, as if to say, "Go ahead, try to touch your nose with your tongue. You can't, can you? Awww, that's too bad. No, keep trying, it doesn't make you look like a preschooler who's eaten too much finger paint. Really, it doesn't. Maybe you should practice that at work, and at weddings, and fancy dinners. Want to watch me do it again? Oh, there, I did it, and with no effort. I'm just so damn good."
(flickr photo this is better than cat grass! by angela7dreams; http://www.flickr.com/photos/angela7/106566313/)