The Things Pets Do

Leg Humping

2009-05-25T11:00:00.005-04:00

Not only is it summer, but it's also Memorial Day, and that means tons of picnics and BBQs and other large gatherings to which dogs are invited. And guess what happens when dogs are invited to events? They hump legs, that's what happens. No fucking manners at all. Like seriously, were you raised in a barn (or a strip club)? I know they're animals, but they could at least stay away from your cousin's husband's sister's calves.
And of all things to hump, why legs, you ask? Well, little known to most, dogs were originally bred as a lower leg cover, because long ago no one could make pants that went beyond the knee. Tailors just weren't that skilled. "Dog" is of the Greek root "dogus" which means "thing that keeps my scandalously exposed legs hidden from the perverted, gawking public." And so, as much I love to judge and scold animals for their inappropriate behaviors, this summer while out at parks and picnics, if your Achilles tendon is suddenly violated by a canine, please cut them some slack; they can't help it.
(flickr photo Down boy! by kennymatic; http://www.flickr.com/photos/kwl/2602576621/)

I'm a Guest Blogger

2009-05-21T17:55:00.002-04:00

I'm a guest blogger, and guess what, I even mentioned dogs in my guest post. Check it out, and check out the rest of My Telephone Booth while you're there.

Meowing at Birds

2009-05-19T18:07:00.001-04:00

I'm pretty sure that I don't need to explain to you why we don't meow at birds through a window. It should be obvious how goddamn stupid that is to anyone who isn't a fucking cat, so instead of wasting my time with that, I'll present you with a short play entitled "Cat Talks to Bird Through Window."
The sun is just rising, and with it, so are the birds. But the humans sleep peacefully because they don't give a shit about birds and sun and because they have to work all fucking day, goddamnit. The cat, who never ever works (ever), leaps to the window and starts meowing at full volume, waking the sleeping humans.
Cat: I'm going to eat you, bird.
Bird: No, you aren't. There's a window between us. I win, you lose.
Cat: Someday there wont be a window, and that's the day I'll fuck you up, you annoying little bird.
Bird: Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, I still win now. Birds rule!
Cats: Aaaaahhhhhhh I hate birds! Hate them, hate them, hate them, hate them!
Humans add a shot of esspresso to their coffee that morning, while staring menacingly at the cat. End Scene.
(flickr photo My cat shadow...... by chaffeerobyn; http://www.flickr.com/photos/10165172@N04/858461173/)

A link

2009-05-17T22:22:00.003-04:00

Seriously, check this out. I try not to recommend too many links, so that when I do, it's more meaningful, and trust me Choppy's Dog House is one billion percent deserving of this, and is strangely under appreciated thus far. Change that, bitches, by going there and giving it a try. You know, just take it in the changing room for a minute, see how it looks on you, maybe ask a friend how it looks, and if it works for you and will get you that date you always wanted, take that shit home. So maybe that analogy's bit confusing, but you catch my drift, right?

Panting

2009-05-09T11:22:00.007-04:00

It's starting to get hot again, and that means that dogs are going to start panting. Now, before you go on with your busy day of 80s aerobics exercises and paying overdue bills or whatever it is you do on Saturday like it's no big deal, let me remind you of the complete injustice of dog panting.
A dog pants and everyone's all like, "Oh my, that poor pooch is so thirsty, let's get him some water and give him some love." But if you or I start panting, everyone's all like, "Quick! Call the police! There's a pervert following me around and panting." Now is that fair, dogs? Why don't you stop acting like creeps and learn to sweat like the rest of us?
(flickr photo Rowan the ridgeback by D G Brown; http://www.flickr.com/photos/15193764@N07/2441370264/)

Having a Friend Pick Up Their Poop

2009-05-03T22:51:00.005-04:00

You know what, dogs? I don't know what to say. I really don't. I could rant and rave for few paragraphs about how degrading it is to put your poop in a little bag that I'll carry around for blocks afterward, or how you never act grateful or offer to clean up my poop, or how bending down behind your butt to so I can grab a steaming pile of crap isn't my favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon, but this pisses me off so much that I just don't think I can muster the energy for that rant.
What I will say is that none of my other friends ask me to clean up after them. I only do it for you because you don't have hands. But as soon as you evolve some, this whole thing is over. I'm tired of this shit. Pun intended!
(flickr photo What's really going on here? by brandi666;http://www.flickr.com/photos/brandi666/2777696348/)

Pushing Watermelons

2009-04-30T10:25:00.010-04:00

I know what you're thinking: since when do cat's push watermelons? Since this picture, that's when. I was asked by Barb to "explain" the picture of a cat pushing a watermelon out of a lake, and I must say, it took me a while to figure out. Why wouldn't it? It's fucking confusing.
But here it is.
The lolcat caption is incorrect. This cat is in no way related to Sisyphus, nor was he the pet of Sisyphus. Sisyphus was more of a dog person.
This is a much sadder story. It's a clear case of animal abuse. Humans all around the country abuse their cats by making them carry large fruit up slippery surfaces. When animal control finally finds these poor felines, they're exhausted and covered with sticky fruit juice. And the humans just get a slap on the wrist (if that) while the poor abused cats will probably be put down before they can find a home that wont make them push watermelons out of lakes.
The whole watermelon thing wasn't serious, but the animal abuse and shelter overcrowding stuff was, so I'm going to be a good citizen and use this opportunity to tell you to support your local shelter in anyway possible (adoptions, fostering, donations, spreading the word). I'm in Philly, and so in case you are too, here's a link to our local shelter. Wherever you are, if you're thinking of adding a new pet to your household, please consider adoption. With each adopted cat, there's one less cat forced to push watermelons.
(flickr photo funny-pictures-sisyphus-cat-watermelon-water by reizzel; http://www.flickr.com/photos/reizzil/2267001285/)

Fur Shedding

2009-04-27T19:20:00.007-04:00

Well, it's that time of year again. No, I don't mean the time of year when everyone smells like fermenting sweat, although it is. And no, I don't mean the time of year when girls start dressing like hookers and guys like 13-year-old skaters. But both those things are symptoms of the same cause: heat.
Yep, now you've got it. It's the time of year for shedding. Serious shedding. "I can't wear any of my clothes to work because it looks like there are ferrets living in the pockets" type of shedding. Let's not even get into the furniture.
And guess who's to blame. If you guessed the pets, you're one hundred percent right. Humans don't shed. No, your male pattern baldness doesn't count as shedding, but nice to try. People will say anything to avoid admitting they're balding.
(flickr photo Cat Hair Landscape by semarr; http://www.flickr.com/photos/semarr/1184030959/)

Giving Birth to a Litter

2009-04-25T13:09:00.005-04:00

That crazy ass Angelina-Jolie-looking octomom aside, humans don't give birth to litters. Sure, occasionally a pair of twins pop out, but really, that's about it.
But dogs, cats, and tons of small animals think it's totally fine to have as many kids as they want. Well, you can't, goddamnit! Haven't you been reading any of the magazines in the check out lines? What, you don't go to supermarkets? What a lame excuse. Well let me sum it up for you: we all know you're just trying to get famous. You don't even care about those kids. It's all about you, isn't it? Next time, trying having one kid like everyone else, all right?
(flickr photo More Puppy Pile by AirBeagle; http://www.flickr.com/photos/airbeagle/446918732/)

Another Link - No HR 669

2009-04-22T09:05:00.004-04:00

I know, I know, I'm terrible. Another link. What an asshole. Last one, then back to normal.
So there's a bill before congress (voted on tomorrow) to essentially ban all non-US-native pets. This includes almost all fish, most reptiles and amphibians, most birds, hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, and ferrets. The ban could screw a lot of pet owners and a lot of pet shops (not to mention this blog which would have a significantly reduced pet population to choose from). So you know, if you feel strongly enough, go here and send an email or letter or make a call. It took me less than two minutes to send an email.
Thanks for putting up with my linking and my lack of Things Pets Do. Back to normal soon.

Flying Animals and Rehomed Dogs

2009-04-21T15:39:00.006-04:00

Today's post is doubly terrible. Not only have I not posted in a while, but this is a post of links and not things that pets do. I know, I suck. Feel free to egg my house later.
First, you can now fly your pets without having to stash them in the underbelly of a plane, which is nice, since although my dogs and cats are often mistaken for suitcases (except they're not), I'd like to not keep them in the same place people put their clothing and curling irons. Just a thought. Also, while you're at the site, be sure to check the video posted in their blog on April 20th, because the male newscaster is the epitome of douche bag. This guy has it down to a science. He might want to see if Harvard will give him an honorary degree in douche baggery.
Second, tonight ESPN will have a special on what happened to Michael Vick's rehabilitated and rehoused dogs. As someone who has a loving pit bull rescued from a less than ideal situation, I feel it's my duty to promote a TV special on loving pit bulls rescued from less than ideal situations. It's also my duty to give the obligatory fuck you Michael Vick for being an astoundingly horrible human being comment. He's way worse than that dumbass newscaster. Infinitely worse.
I promise I'll be back soon with more Things Pets Do.

Eating Kibble

2009-04-15T12:42:00.004-04:00

You knew you'd get called out on it eventually, dogs and cats. Yeah, yeah, I know you'd rather eat a steak or some tuna, and yes, I know we're the ones who give you this crap, but you still eat it. Round little dried-out pellets. You might as well just take your food intravenously.
I'm so glad we humans never eat processed, dried food. Now, I'm off to heat up a frozen dinner, have a little juice from concentrate, and finish it all with hot chocolate mix in hot water. I'm so glad we humans eat real meals like we're supposed to; none of this goddamn kibble crap.
(flickr photo half in the bag by klynslis; http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisa_yarost/2086542415/)

Sleeping Adorably

2009-04-13T10:42:00.006-04:00

You know, animals, you do a lot of things while sleeping that we humans could never pull off, but by far one of the most infuriating is being so goddamn adorable. Seriously, when you pass out, I feel like I'm going to have a cute-induced heart attack. It's a real condition (not), and you're to blame (if it were, you would be).
And no matter how hard we try, 99% of the time that we humans sleep we don't look cute, we look like this. Or this. Or this. And even occasionally, like this. You win again, animals. You win again, damn you.
(flickr photo monday afternoon by chrisada; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisada/2415541623/)

Spreading Eagle

2009-04-08T23:40:00.005-04:00

Listen up, dogs and cats. Just because you're not a human doesn't mean it's okay roll around in compromising and exposing positions. You and I both know that you're just flaunting the fact that you can get away with such scandalous shows, while we humans must carefully monitor how we are seated at all times to be sure that we aren't spreading out legs wide for the whole world to see what lies below.
Even if we could sit so strangely, we wouldn't, because we have respect for ourselves, unlike you.
(flickr photo this is a new behavior by Rob!; http://www.flickr.com/photos/xerostomia/362942437/)

Playing with String

2009-04-02T10:16:00.004-04:00

Oh gosh golly gee, cats, some string! You don't say! Well that's just so swell and fun and exciting! I could play with it for hours...NOT! How boring can you be? String? Really? Try video games, sports, and and rock paper scissors. Now that's how you play, cats. Especially rock paper scissors; what an ingenious game.

The other problem with string play is that there's so much string out there. I don't want to be at a bar, enjoying a few beers with Nordic/Germanic names I can't pronounce, when I notice someone with long shoelaces and fall to the floor to bat them around for a half hour. That's annoying and slightly frightening for everyone involved.

(flickr photo having a ball (of string) by toby-won-kenobi; http://www.flickr.com/photos/76653379@N00/16611554/)

Catching a Frisbee with a Mouth

2009-03-29T23:13:00.006-04:00

Dogs, dogs, dogs. Do you know where that frisbee has been? It's disgusting, absolutely disgusting that you'd even consider putting your mouth around it. Plus, it's such an awkward shape, it can't be easy to hold onto.
Everyone else ever in the whole world catches frisbees with their hands, but you have to do it with your mouth. I don't care that you don't have any thumbs! That's no excuse, goddamnit!
And yes, I do realize that there were at least five good "that's what she said" jokes in there that I passed up. I'm mature, dogs, unlike you.
(flickr photo the superdog by jared; http://www.flickr.com/photos/generated/3248455087/)

Regrowing A Tail

2009-03-26T23:04:00.004-04:00

There are certain animal skills that I can let slide. You know, give the old, "wow, I'm so impressed. Thanks for showing me that, animal" line and get back to my taco salad (extra taco, hold the salad). But tail regeneration is just too fucking much. Honestly, these lizards can have a part of their body ripped off and then miraculously grow it back, and they act like it isn't a big deal. Well it is. It's a goddamn huge deal. Most pets are just happy having tails, but lizards take their pet awesomeness one step higher with tail regrowth.
But not only can we humans not grow our tails back, we don't even have tails. Well, at least we can regulate our body temperature.
(flickr photo Lizard-best by aussiegall; http://www.flickr.com/photos/aussiegall/293621164/)

Peeing on Trees

2009-03-25T10:54:00.004-04:00

We humans only pee on trees if we're a dude and we're either camping or desperately have to go and there's no one around...that is until those nuns, school children, stay-at-home moms, elderly women, and every girl you ever found attractive turn the corner. Great, the one time I couldn't find a bathroom. This is the only time I've done this, I swear. I don't pee on trees often. Really! Oh hi, mom. Shit.
But dogs pee on trees all the time, in the middle of major metropolitan areas, in front of scores and scores of judgemental humans, and they don't care. They don't give a good (or bad) goddamn. They just just keep pissing on that tree like they're in an Olympic urination competition, which fortunately doesn't actually exist.
(flickr photo Marking territory by Scarleth White; http://www.flickr.com/photos/iloveblue/2415839655/)

Sleeping in Weird Positions

2009-03-22T21:13:00.005-04:00

Here's the deal, cats and dogs, you're either sleeping or you're stretching. Pick one. You can't do both, because it fucks with my head and also because no one else does that, at least not to the degree you do. How the hell do you relax like that? How do you not wake up with 55 pulled muscles? Did you train with gymnasts? Russian gymnasts? Who also sleep a lot?
You know what, I don't even want to know the answer. All I know and all I want to know is that I, and the rest of humanity, will never sleep in such ridiculous positions.
(flickr photo Stretchy sleep by Eggybird; http://www.flickr.com/photos/eggybird/64880916/)

Flying

2009-03-20T09:43:00.006-04:00

I'm so happy for you birds. I really am. It must be super sweet to fly around everywhere. Like, it must be the best. Just the best. And I'm not even a little envious.
You know why flying is awesome, birds? Because it's flying. Well, clearly you already know that, because you do it all the time. I'm sure you could give me more reasons it's awesome. I only know of that one, you know, because I can't fucking fly, goddamnit. I swear I'm not envious.
I guess that's the trade off of living the pampered life of a pet bird: free food and water always but limited flying. Lame.
(flickr photo Leaving by zimpenfish; http://www.flickr.com/photos/zimpenfish/2037655993/)

Drooling

2009-03-18T10:04:00.005-04:00

What's the phrase I'm looking for, dogs? Oh yeah: What the fuck ? Drooling is disgusting. Stop it. You're not even drooling because you see something delicious and tasty, like say tacos and guacamole. You're just drooling for no goddamn reason. Well, I guess you're drooling because we humans bred some of you to look cute and funny by giving you extra loose skin around your mouth and jaw that allows drool to seep out in a way that it doesn't with other dog breeds and most other animals. So it's really not your fault, but still, stop it! It's gross.
At least carry around a little dog napkin so you can clean up after yourself.
(flickr photo drooling dog by Wrote; http://www.flickr.com/photos/wrote/1953628172/)

Destroying Toilet Paper

2009-03-15T22:41:00.006-04:00

An internationally recognized holiday amongst all cats and some dogs, Toilet Paper Destruction Day is celebrated on a bimonthly basis. Its date is not set in stone, but often falls on the day when the humans in the house have had too much Mexican food, and are in dire need of the murdered and unusable toilet paper. It also seems to fall on days when said humans are busy as shit, with absolutely not time to deal with this fucking crap. For cats, the day symbolizes their independence from all human authority. It's believed that the toilet paper stands for the hopes and dreams of the people in the house, and thus by destroying it, the cats are making a powerful statement about their stance in the home's hierarchy.
Rumor has it that some humans have considered rebelling by instituting a litter tossing celebration, but this was stopped when they realized that only someone as rude as a cat would fuck with someone else's ability to answer nature's call.
(flickr photo Gatti e carta igienica by One From RM; http://www.flickr.com/photos/onefromrome/88751308/in/set72157594175560229/)

Self-Promotion (Sorry)

2009-03-14T15:21:00.004-04:00

I hate self-promotion, even it's legitimate self-promotion. But I just wrote an entry in my other blog, Who's More Awesome, entitled Cats Vs. Dogs. Since this is probably the only time that the subjects of my blogs will cross, I figured it was acceptable to take this self-promotion opportunity.
And if you don't like it, take a look at this. I think the polar bear just drank one to many coca colas and is on a sugar high. Those dogs better be careful twenty minutes from now when he starts to come off the high. Have the coke cans ready; that bear needs some high fructose corn syrup and caffeine, stat!

Barking At Strangers

2009-03-12T11:28:00.007-04:00

Not only do humans not bark at strangers outside our house, but most of us don't feel the need to yell, scream, or shout at them either. A good amount of dogs, on the other hand, hear someone outside and are overwhelmed by the urge to talk to them. Really, dogs? Are you that attention starved that you have to reach out to people on the streets? Even if you are, you should know that yelling isn't the best way to get attention. It's scary and startling. Maybe that's your goal, but in that case couldn't you just say, "Hey, please don't come in here, because I wont like it and I'll be all mean to you, so just a heads up. Like this is my house, and I'm very protective of it, because my possessions mean a lot to me, because I haven't yet discovered the Buddhist notion of letting go of all worldly possessions. Thanks for listening." That would be so much nicer than continuous barking. Just a suggestion.
(flickr photo Picture 179 by Wyscan; http://www.flickr.com/photos/wyscan/1055227371/)

Shedding Skin

2009-03-10T22:35:00.004-04:00

Shedding skin? Seriously, snakes and lizards? That's so badass. On a scale of lame to badass, that's super badass. I want to scold you for being the living metaphor of change, but that doesn't deserve scolding, it deserves congratulations.
And as much as humans might want to slither into a new body each month, we can't. That is unless you have really dry skin and the weather's awful, and you don't use lotion, then maybe you can. But on a more serious note, shedding looks very tiresome and painful, two adjectives that a majority of humans are opposed to, and so, you regal reptilians shall continue to reign supreme when it comes to leaving old skin behind you.
(flickr photo Snake skin by KiloEchoRomeoIndia; http://www.flickr.com/photos/panzer73/2892144377/)

Staring Out the Window

2009-03-08T20:25:00.004-04:00

What is it with cats and windows? Honestly, there can't be that much cool shit going on outside. If there were, I wouldn't have bought a TV. But still, like an idiot with amnesia, they fool me every time. "Ohhhh, the cat's at the window, there must be something really sweet going on outside, I better go look." But no, cat, you're staring at nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it fascinates you.
And you know what the real burn is here? Even if I wanted to sit at the window and stare out it all day like a cat, there's no way I could conveniently perch myself on the window sill like they do. I'm not that small and my windows aren't that big. Well, I'm glad that windows are such a perfect fit for you cats. I'm not jealous. Not even a little bit.
(flickr photo Alex by the window by Richard Cocks; http://www.flickr.com/photos/richardland/279081793/)

Sniffing the Ground

2009-03-06T08:51:00.009-05:00

Dog's sniff the ground because smelling is their favorite scent and the ground is covered with good smells, like foot prints and piss. We don't sniff the ground because smelling doesn't do anything for us, and because the ground is covered with foot prints and piss. If you see a dog sniffing the ground, he or she is figuring shit out, getting places, accomplishing things, and living it up. If you see a human sniffing the ground, they've escaped from the local mental health institution, and they need the immediate attention of a psychiatrist...or they're a werewolf.
(flickr photo Bloodhound Trials Feb 2008 -154 by Contadini; http://www.flickr.com/photos/92305862@N00/2307362444/)

Swimming All The Time

2009-03-05T10:31:00.003-05:00

Fish haven't really gotten much flak yet, but they need it, so here it is. They never stop swimming. Ever. Just swim, swim, swim. Not even Michael Phelps swims that much (I'm restraining myself from bong jokes). Even Aquaman didn't. But fish are all about swimming. It's their favorite. If they had blogger accounts they'd write, "God damnit, I love swimming" in their about mes.
Now, we can't swim all the time, and there are a lot of reasons for that, one of them being that basically our entire civilization is on land...unless you live in Atlantis. But the real reason, the main reason, is that we'd get all gross and pruney.
(flickr photo fish eye of the fish by jelene; http://www.flickr.com/photos/jelene/2306426147/)

Chattering

2009-03-04T10:02:00.005-05:00

Rodents chatter constantly, gnawing their little teeth together like their life depends on it. Okay, fine, so their life does depend on it. Right, right, I know that if they don't gnaw their teeth down, their teeth will grow up into their head and kill them. Constantly growing teeth must be a bitch, but that aside, it's still some really weird shit that none of us would ever do.
Well, that's a lie. I did it once to annoy someone at a party. It worked, and now I can't chatter my teeth anymore because I lost them in the fight. Never chatter around the guy who's been drinking Jim Beam all night.
(flickr photo John's Hamster, Crispy by wsilver; http://www.flickr.com/photos/psycho-pics/3079172298/)

Shaking Dry

2009-03-03T10:43:00.005-05:00

So, your dog's soaked, and you're thinking, "Oh let me grab a nice little wash cloth and we shall casually dry him, inch by inch, just as I do post-bathing." Well think again, because before you can finish that carefully constructed sentence, your dog has shaken himself all over your bathroom, kitchen, and living room, and now he's rolling in your sheets. You see, when dogs dry off, they don't fuck around. They start spinning like rogue Disneyland teacups until they're drier than Death Valley and everything around them looks like an Amazonian rain forest.
And that's exactly why you don't dry off that way, too. As convenient and fun as it seems, it would ruin all your furniture and piss off anyone within ten feet. Plus it'd make you look stark raving mad.
(flickr photo Shake it, Baby! by OakleyOriginals; http://www.flickr.com/photos/oakleyoriginals/2786093725/)

Pooping in a Box

2009-03-02T12:27:00.005-05:00

A box, cats? Really, a box? A tray? A pan? Can't you crap in a large half-circle with water and pipes that lead to a giant underground vat of shit, like us civilized humans? But no, you have to be different, unique, and special, and what says, "I'm as unique as a snowflake or DNA" better than doing your bathroom business in a box? Congratulations, kittens, you officially are different from any other animals or humans in your house, because you know what? We won't crap in a box. We just won't, because then we'd have to hear things like, "my new shoes were in that box" or "that's where I keep all my credit card info" or "you did what in my jewelry box!"
(flickr photo She's getting big.. by faeryboots; http://www.flickr.com/photos/faeryboots/2870079397/)

Website Recommendation

2009-02-28T14:52:00.004-05:00

I try to do this whole "break from the normal routine" thing as infrequently as possible, but I just found a really sweet website that's appropriate for this blog.
Right Pet is a website in which members (it's free) can write reviews on types of pets they've owned. The reviewer gets to do a pet owner's favorite thing to do: talk about their pets. And the reader gets a first hand account of whether or not that pet might be good choice for them.
And if that doesn't float your boat, first, why are you reading this on a boat, and second, try this: If someone reviews a husky, can you talk about how they're better at singing than famous pop stars?
Thanks for putting up with my atypical post. On Monday I'll be back to the usual.

Not Caring If They Smell

2009-02-27T11:33:00.008-05:00

Tons of animals don't give a crap if they smell, and why should they: they're animals. They're supposed to not give a crap. Occasionally a dog will clean himself, and cats and rodents clean often, but I'm pretty sure that's less about smell and more about looking pretty (goddamn animal vanity), because they still smell afterwards.
Most humans do care if they smell, and if they don't, they're assholes. The people who don't give crap if they smell are the same people who don't give crap if they cut you off in traffic, accidentally trip you, or plunge the economy in the shitter while giving themselves a raise. It's just common courtesy to make sure you don't smell like a Limburger cheese factory everyday. But if an animal smells bad, they're being a typical animal.
(flickr photo Dirty and Happy by YouDooAllous; http://www.flickr.com/photos/youdooallous/2630128910/)

Ball Chewing

2009-02-26T09:39:00.008-05:00

No, not those balls, you pervert. I can't believe that would even cross your mind.
Moving on, dogs love to chew tennis balls. The frequency and the intensity varies greatly from dog to dog, but it's disturbing that they chew on them at all. Humans would never chew on tennis balls, and here's why:
1.) We know they're meant to be thrown. Or hit by a Williams sister.
2.) They taste awful. Trust me, I've tried...I mean, uh, I mean I bet they taste awful. I wouldn't know. I've never ever tried to chew on one. Never.
3.) They've been all over the ground, and so they're covered in dirt, crap, and insect blood.
4.) We would look ridiculous with a tennis ball lodged between our jaws.
And 5.) We would much rather chew our rubber in gum form. A far more dignified way to chew rubber, indeed.
(flickr photo Samson, My Hero by neon.love; http://www.flickr.com/photos/stellarsky/346785492/)

Not Regulating Body Temperature

2009-02-25T10:38:00.005-05:00

This one is clearly reserved for the reptilian, amphibian, and fishy pets, for whom cold-blooded isn't just a way to describe your ex, but also a physical condition. Any pet owner who's ever bought a heat lamp or a heating pad knows how little control geckos, snakes, turtles, frogs, toads, and fish have over their body's temperature.
Why? Because they're lazy, lazy, lazy ectotherms. You know, when I was kid, lizards would walk twenty miles in the snow everyday just to get a heat lamp, and the heat lamp would only be 20 watts, but they made due with what they had. Nowadays these spoiled brats expect us to wait on them hand and foot. "Um, excuse me, but I'd like the lamp to be 80 watts, not 40. Otherwise I get lethargic and my body processes slow down significantly and it's bad for my health and it's possible I could die." Well, lizard, maybe you should thought of that before you became cold blooded. The rest of us are warm blooded and it's pretty damn sweet.
(flickr photo Green Gecko by dominigs81; http://www.flickr.com/photos/dominiqs/1349256667/)

Hitting Passersby

2009-02-24T10:27:00.005-05:00

Hey cats, you know what? When I'm walking down the hallway listening to some Phil Collins on my iPod (that's right, Phil Collins; don't lie, you know you love "In the Air Tonight") and you jump out of the bathroom and smack my leg, scaring my Genesis-loving ass all the way to Peter Gabriel's house, I don't like it. And I think I can speak for the dog on this one, too. I know you're a ferocious predator, and you're just reminding me that you and your retractable claws run things in this house, but honestly, is the subterfuge really neeeded? I'm fine with the smacking. You're a cat, you smack everything. It's the surprise that bothers me. The shock is just too much, especially with the slippery floors around the shower.
You don't see me jumping out from behind buildings to punch my closest friend. Except for that time he never returned my copy of Transporter 2. You have to draw the line somewhere. But otherwise, no one does this, and maybe that should be a clue to you kittens to cool it with the covert claws.
(flickr photo smack by nakae; http://www.flickr.com/photos/nakae/1223523545/)

Flipping Ears Inside Out

2009-02-23T10:51:00.005-05:00

Accidental ear flippage, often a result of rolling around like a goddamn maniac, is almost exclusively reserved for dogs with floppy ears, much like the one pictured. Occasionally a cat or a pointy-eared dog will have their ear flipped, but it's a rare citing, like a bald eagle or a sober fraternity.
But a human having his or her ear flipped inside out isn't just rare, it's impossible. And if it does happen, seek medical attention immediately...or make a video and put it online. The only real advantage to this ear flipping ability dogs have is that it doubles their "Holy Shit You Guys, That's So Fucking Adorable" factor (a factor that is already five times higher than a human's, on average), making them more likeable than us without any effort on their part.
(flickr photo Someone Should Tell Him by lavocado@sbcglobal.net; http://www.flickr.com/photos/auntylaurie/2086698729/)

Nose Licking

2009-02-20T09:37:00.006-05:00

There's a lot of licking that goes on in this blog, which sounds inappropriate, but it's really not since animals use their tongues for 90% of the weird shit they do. That still sounds inappropriate, doesn't it?
Moving on, cats and dogs often lick their noses. The reason: because they can. Most humans are entirely unable to do this, but those who can won't hesitate to show it off at a party, because it's a sweet trick. Cats and dogs can do this sweet trick anytime they want to, and since they're big shows offs, they do it all the time, as if to say, "Go ahead, try to touch your nose with your tongue. You can't, can you? Awww, that's too bad. No, keep trying, it doesn't make you look like a preschooler who's eaten too much finger paint. Really, it doesn't. Maybe you should practice that at work, and at weddings, and fancy dinners. Want to watch me do it again? Oh, there, I did it, and with no effort. I'm just so damn good."
(flickr photo this is better than cat grass! by angela7dreams; http://www.flickr.com/photos/angela7/106566313/)

Leash Walking

2009-02-19T09:37:00.007-05:00

This one is exclusively reserved for dogs. Sure they make leashes for other animals, but try walking your cat on one. Just try it. Tell me how you enjoy the medical bills that follow.
Although leashes aren't their favorite things, dogs will and often do walk on them. You can walk a dog on a leash for hours without anyone thinking it's a problem or without your dog getting overly upset about it. But humans will definitely not walk on leashes. The next time you go for a stroll with one of your friends, try putting a leash on them. Just try it. And tell me how you enjoy the medical bills that follow.
There is an important exception, and that's lazy parents (often found at Walmart) who can't seem to keep their miniature human under control without tethering them. It's weird, but hey, at least the kids aren't clicker trained...or are they?
(flickr photo Furry Friday Dog by jessicafm;
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicafm/262009249/)

Eating Little Bits

2009-02-18T09:42:00.006-05:00

Hamsters, gerbils, rats, and mice love grabbing teeny tiny pieces of food, cradling them in their adorable little paws, and nibbling away ever so gently. They love it so much that they refuse to eat any other way, making the rest of us look horribly uncute (definitely a real word) by comparison. How can you compete with that? How could anyone or anything possibly be that goddamn heartwarmingly adorable?
We can't just buy bagels that are three feet in diameter and delicately nibble on them, because we'd either look like idiots or rats, and if there's one lesson we can take from Martin Scorsese films it's that the mafia doesn't like rats. I don't want to have look over my shoulder for the cast of The Departed or Goodfellas every time I get breakfast, and so, this is once again something that only pets can do.
(flickr photo Give me more! by jpockele; http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpockele/339678564/)

Chasing Lasers

2009-02-17T09:47:00.006-05:00

The normal reaction to a laser is panicked fleeing, because it's either a sniper, the aliens attacking, or someone giving an annoying power point presentation. But cats say, "Fuck that, we we have claws and sharp teeth, we're not scared of shit," and they hunt that laser down like they're starving and charbroiled laser is on the today's lunch menu. Not only will cats chase lasers, but they'll do it for hours, until their little cat lungs can't take it anymore or they've finally realized that lasers may be the only things in their goddamn house they can't kill. Only cats have the courage, the tenacity, the persistence, the agility, and the fascination with bright things necessary to chase lasers. You find me a human who'll scale vertical surfaces for a moving red dot, and I'll find you a human who's had his brain replaced with a pound of catnip.
(flickr photo Kittens! by Ingorrr; http://www.flickr.com/photos/ingorrr/441645263/)

Scratching an Ear With a Foot

2009-02-16T10:39:00.005-05:00

Listen, I don't care if you've been doing yoga since you were a fetus, because even if you are physically capable of scratching your ears with your foot, you would never do it in public. Talk about inappropriate. Hey everyone, my ear itches, so I was thinking you could all check out my crotch while I sit on the floor and scratch it in a very compromising position. On top of that (which is a place I wouldn't recommend literally getting on top of, just figuratively) it's impractical. Why not just use your hand? It's so much easier, and doesn't put your hamstrings at risk.
But none of this is true when it comes to dogs and cats, because as far as they're concerned, there couldn't be an easier and more polite way to get rid of that ear itch.
(flickr photo Those darn ears by Jimmy 74(away); http://www.flickr.com/photos/jimmy74/2576145832/)

My Pet Credentials

2009-02-14T11:51:00.013-05:00

I'm going to break from listing the things that pets do for just one post to address a question.
On yesterday's post, Patty asked,"What kind of pets do you have?"
Since I write a blog entitled, "The Things Pets Do" it's only fair that my readers know what my pet resume looks like. Thus instead of posting a brief comment in reply, I've made a full post out of it.
I have my interview tie and suit on, and I'm freshly shaven (and by that I mean I'm sitting in sweat pants with day-old stubble). Here goes.
Current Pets:
I live with my girlfriend while she attends vet school and I work a fairly standard office job. We share our living space with an adopted pit bull mix (which is shelter talk for, "He's really a pit bull, but we have to add 'mix' to his title so people will adopt him, because even though he's a big snuggling goof, there's an a certain stigma that will always go with the title 'pit bull'") named Barney.

We also share the space with two adopted cats: a short haired ginger cat (Frank) and a long-haired tuxedo cat (Oz).

And in a separate room, into which the cats may never venture, there are two pet rats (Maria and Serafina) and a patternless leopard gecko (Kaylee).

Past Pets: I grew up in a pet-obsessed family, so my first 18 years of life were also filled with pets. We always had a dog (a collie that raised me, and when he passed due to debilitating hip arthritis, an Australian shepherd/black lab mix and a Jack Russell Terrier). I have three sisters, each of whom had pets growing up: an aquarium with tropical fish, two pet mice, a box turtle, and two toads. Not one to slack in the pet department either, I had a bearded dragon, a corn snake, a skink, and two hognose snakes.
Finally, I worked in a pet shop throughout high school.
Really, the only time I have been sans pets were the first two years of college.
Do I have the job?

Eating Flowers

2009-02-13T09:38:00.005-05:00

With Valentine's Day right around the bend, it's important to keep in mind that cats and dogs love to eat flowers. No one knows why, since flowers taste like crap, and they're much better when experienced through other senses, such as looking, smelling, and touching. Hell, even listening to flowers is better, although not likely to yield a whole lot.
When tomorrow roles around, your significant other, best friend, or 5-year-long stalker will give you a dozen roses. And you'll accept them graciously with maybe "I love you, too," or "thank you, you're so kind," or "you're supposed to be 100 yards from me at all times." Then you'll put these severed plant limbs in a vase filled with water so that they die a slow and prolonged death during which you'll enjoy the decoration. But you know what you wont do? You wont bite into the them, and start chomping down like a hungry hyena while your Valentine watches in horror.
(flickr photo Munch! by starmist1; http://www.flickr.com/photos/starmist1/190436152/)

Jumping on New People

2009-02-12T09:22:00.007-05:00

Dogs will grab at any excuse they can find to jump, and a new person is one of the most commonly used excuses. This jumping is nothing like that in the last post; they're not doing it to get around, they're doing it because they're dogs and they do whatever the want, gosh. If you invite a new friend over for a Halo competition/wine tasting extravaganza, as you so often do, your dog will be up on them like an escaping prisoner on a fence: quick and desperate. And if they aren't, they want to be.
Because I value the accuracy of this scientifically rigorous blog, I jumped on a new person just the other day, and I can assure you from my new home in a holding cell, it is definitely something that humans can't do. At least that's what my lawyer tells me.
(flickr photo Jumping Dog outside Tate Modern by dps; http://www.flickr.com/photos/dps/357218625/)

Hopping Everywhere

2009-02-11T09:10:00.004-05:00

When you think bunnies, what comes to mind? No, not young women with breast implants, a desire to see themselves air-brushed, and low self-esteem, you perv. You think hopping and jumping. And you know why? Because that's all bunnies do. Any time a rabbit moves, they hop, and anytime their not moving, they're not doing a whole lot but wiggling their nose and looking downright adorable.
But however normal it is for your bunny, little Donnie Darko, to bounce around, you couldn't do it without looking like a schizophrenic or someone with a very strange exercise routine.
(flickr photo Jumping Jack Caramel by TheTim; http://www.flickr.com/photos/thetim/2471774514/)

Cleaning Mid-Fight

2009-02-10T09:38:00.005-05:00

Cats do a lot of weird things. And I mean a lot. So the fact that this one is up there in the top five weirdest, really means something. If you have two cats (or more) that like wrestling with each other, you know they can get pretty intense, and throw down hardcore. Not too weird; they are relatives of some high-class predators, after all. But what is weird is that in the middle of their all-out brawls, they'll simultaneously and instantaneously stop for a cleaning break.
Think about it, you're knocking some punk around for giving you a regular coffee when you clearly asked for half-caff, or whatever it is that gets you into fights with Starbucks employees, when he yells, "Hold up, can we clean our nails for a minute? I really need a manicure. I promise we'll box this this out in five, but the dirt under my thumb is really bugging me." And you're all like, "Sure thing. That's a great idea. You know what? Why don't I clean it for you? Here, give me your hand, I'll get that dirt out." And he's all like, "Thanks, that's so kind of you," and then 20 seconds later, after the dirt's gone, Bam! you smack him in the head as hard as you can, knock him to the ground, and start bunny kicking him.
Cats, you really are weird.
(flickr photo Taking Catre of Each Other by Martin Staviar; http://www.flickr.com/photos/12073313@N04/2768305793/)

Ear Lifting

2009-02-09T09:32:00.004-05:00

Dogs are the main culprit here, although cats and a few other small animals shift their ears around on occasion. But whenever dogs hears something super sweet or super lame, they lift their ears up as if to say, "look what I can do with my ears, humans. Can you do this? No, you can't. Aaawww, that's too fucking bad. Oh wait, you can wiggle your ears a little. Neat party trick, but you can't completely change their angle so as to gain significantly better hearing, can you? No, I didn't think so. Also, how good is your hearing anyway? What's that? I couldn't hear you. Just kidding, I could totally hear you whispering, 'my hearing is really shitty compared to yours, dog, because you have such great hearing, dog. You're the best.' Listen (if you can, with your crappy immobile ears), if you rub my belly and take me to the park, I wont tell anyone about your shitty hearing, okay?"
At least that's what the ear raise says to me, but I may read into my pet's actions too much...nah, I don't. Not at all.
(flickr photo Bat Eared Dog shock by :mrMark:; http://www.flickr.com/photos/what_i_see/147122825/)

Shoving Their Face in a Bowl of Food

2009-02-06T09:38:00.005-05:00

When dogs and cats (and a good number of small animals) eat, instead of pulling out the old silverware their grandma gave them and a couple snazzy blue napkins, they just shove their face into a bowl filled with all the same shit, and chomp it down like they're three-time pie eating champions in the Kansas State Fair. I mean, seriously guys, couldn't you use your paws like a civilized creature? It doesn't take that much effort, and it really makes a big difference in how people view you. Do you honestly think I'm ever going to take you to a fancy restaurant with those eating habits? Put you're tuxedo back in the closet, because the answer is no. And you look silly in a tuxedo anyway. It makes your tail look fat.
Next Thanksgiving I'm going to try eating like this as an experiment. My hypothesis is that it takes less than 30 seconds for my Uncle to crack me in the ribcage for being a douche.
(flickr photo Mao is eating by stickwithjosh; http://www.flickr.com/photos/stickwithjosh/2549333638/)

Waiting to Steal Food

2009-02-05T09:13:00.005-05:00

Remember that time I was at your house, and you were eating a delicious dinner after a hard day of work, and I really wanted some, so I sat down right next to your legs, with my head as close to the table as possible and waited for you to look away so I could snag some with my long tongue? No, you don't. That's funny. Oh, well maybe that's because I'm not a dog, and I don't do rude shit like that just because I feel like it. It's not okay to take food from someone when they reach for the remote. That's awful etiquette and you're never going to make any friends that way, dogs. This is even worse than when they beg for food, because at least then they let you make the decision in regards to sharing your meal, instead of snatching it off your plate faster than an addict reaching for a spoon and a lighter. Rude, just downright rude.
(flickr photo steve eats by dickuhne; http://www.flickr.com/photos/dickuhne/233642966/)

Wheel Running

2009-02-04T09:17:00.004-05:00

Okay, guess who I'm impersonating. "Oh hi, I make high-pitched noises and love running for hours and hours but going nowhere." If you guessed your anorexic neighbor with the home treadmill, you're wrong, but close, because why wouldn't hamsters have a bad body image: they're chubby fuzzballs. But on some real talk, hamsters (and gerbils, mice, and rats) are all about running in wheels.
Now we humans could run in a wheel, but we don't, because there's nowhere to put the mileage and calorie calculators, and if you can't figure out how many Snicker's bars you burned off, why would you ever do anything athletic? Not to mention that although treadmills, stationary bikes, and ellipticals look ridiculous, gigantic wheels would look even worse. Plus, you'd have to attach them to the wall, and then how would people stare at themselves in all the wall-length mirrors? Nope, our pet rodents definitely have this one all to themselves.
(flickr photo Abe running in his wheel by Stoichiometry; http://www.flickr.com/photos/stoichiometry/2266389862/)

Face Rubbing

2009-02-03T09:26:00.003-05:00

Hey cats, stop rubbing your faces on everything in the fucking universe, okay? Seriously, it's like they get paid for each new item they scrape their cheeks across. And if your face is so goddamn itchy, cats, maybe you should leave the coffee table alone and get your ass to a vet, because there's clearly something wrong with your face.
Rubbing their face against household objects is no big deal for cats, but no matter how much my right nostril is killing me, I could never get away with sliding it across my friend's blu-ray collection. Maybe his DVDs. Maybe.
(flickr photo Even my cat loves them. by Drab Makyo; http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2325571554/)

Insect Eating

2009-02-02T11:03:00.005-05:00

Dogs and cats will occasionally swipe a fly out of the air, but if you have any pet lizards or frogs, you know they eat insects all the goddamn time. They eat insects for every meal. That's just nasty. What's wrong with them? Don't they know bugs are gross? Wouldn't they rather have a nice fillet mignon with a baked potato and caesar salad? Maybe a little wine? Some cabernet, perhaps? Apparently not. Seems they'd prefer to gulp down live larva and some cold water out of a rock.
You could never show up at a party chomping on a grasshopper. Unless they're covered in chocolate or something else that drowns out the taste of grasshopper. And even then it's still weird. Get some chocolate-covered raisins, you freak.
(flickr photo froglet eating a worm by her wings; http://www.flickr.com/photos/herwings/2123121403/)

Tail Wagging

2009-01-30T10:57:00.005-05:00

There isn't a more certain sign of happiness than a wagging tail, but fortunately this sign is reserved for dogs. How much of a pain in the ass (literally and figuratively) would it be if every time we you were happy, a limb-like appendage at the end of your butt whipped around full speed. Not only would it make walking through narrow doors painful, but it would also make hiding your happiness impossible.
For example, say one of your friends beat you in Mario Kart last weekend, and gloated about it for days. But today he came over to tell you that he lost his video-game thumb in a terrible grapefruit spoon accident. The socially acceptable response is to look aggrieved and say something like, "Holy crap, I always knew those were a dangerous breakfast food." But inside you're overjoyed that he'll never be able to beat you in Mario Kart ever again. And if you had a tail, he'd know just how happy you were to hear about the death of his thumb. You don't want him knowing how cruel you are. Or how seriously you take Mario Kart.
(flickr photo Suppertime by basykes; http://www.flickr.com/photos/basykes/967289880/)

Sleeping All Day

2009-01-29T09:42:00.005-05:00

Dogs and cats sleep all goddamn day. Seriously, all day. Some stats I read from semi-credible sources said that cats can sleep up to 20 hours a day, and dogs can sleep 18. And although they don't always sleep that long, the average for both is well above 12 hours. 12 hours! These lazy, good-for-nothing, over-rested fuzzballs. Hippies don't even sleep that much. It's appalling...and I'm jealous.
(flickr photo Why I love my new Canon PowerShot G9, Part 4 by sskennel; http://www.flickr.com/photos/sskennel/2368230257/)

Paw Licking

2009-01-28T09:32:00.005-05:00

Obviously, you don't have paws, but you would never lick your hands. You'd either look moderately insane or incredibly perverted. Mostly perverted.

But the perversion isn't even half of it. When cats lick their paws, they do it after touching all sorts of disgusting things, and they don't use antibacterial soap beforehand. They don't even use probacterial soap. That's just downright gross. If I touched a toilet and then licked my hand, most people would vomit a little in their mouth, but cats can do it all day long and no one thinks twice.

(flickr photo "Clean Cat" by Rene Ehrhardt; http://www.flickr.com/photos/rene_ehrhardt/2391415460/)

Butt Sniffing

2009-01-27T10:17:00.010-05:00

Say you're walking down the street, thinking about that delicious burrito you're going to eat after you wash your favorite pair of Christmas socks, when you see one of your closest friends walking right at you. You reach up to give him a Top Gun style hi five, but he evades it, spins around you, and plants his nose right in your ass, inhaling deep like a smoker on their lunch break. Now pretend you're not wearing any clothes when he does this. And that you like it and do the same. And that afterwards you both lick your noses.

Well dogs do this all the time. Everyday, multiple times a day. They love it. Dogs can't wait to sniff another butt. If your dog had money, he'd probably pay you to let him sniff yours. Kinky, I know, but really it's just their way of saying hi. But if you did that you'd get punched, slapped, yelled at, or tossed in a padded room.

(flicker photo Arse sniffers by Ross Angus; http://www.flickr.com/photos/ross_angus/767911035/)